Disappointment (old one of mine)

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aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

0 posted 2004-09-06 10:35 PM

I'm just posting this because I haven't posted anything in months. This is a really old one that I like alot. I've posted it before but that was like 2 years ago, so enjoy. I'm working on something now that I hope will be amazing.

Disappointment

I live my life for disappointment
feeling trapped on my endless circle
forever wishing once,
broken this pattern be
deeper and darker
each new shining moment becomes
when only held each morning
my heart up to the rising sun
to watch it set on me.

Comments? And check back soon, I'm really hoping the one I'm working on will be great.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

They say the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. So where's my sweet?

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2004-12-20 01:56 AM

Why didn't this get replies?

aaron--

I love the last lines of this poem. There's a hidden rhyme to the very last line there that I can't really trace, but it's there somehow.

I like your paradox with "deeper and darker
each new shining moment becomes". I'm going to have to rethink this for a bit...

I'm not sure if this was intended, but the awkwardness of "broken this pattern be" caught me off guard. Did you mean it to be awkward to capture the sense of the pattern being broken? If yes, very clever. :P

I think if you reword "feeling trapped on my endless circle" to "feeling trapped in this endless circle", it will flow better; however, it makes the line less personal, so I'm not sure if that's the route you want to take.

I'm sure we all have our disappointments, but to live your life for the sake of being disappointed causes you to become less hopeful for what the world has to offer, and in a way, you imprison your own mind to some desolate wasteland.

In any case, I'm glad I found this. I didn't see this the first time (stupid me), but now that I have seen this, you're due for a spectacular post. Hurry up. :P

V.V.,
Leah

*Alli4000*