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Teen Poetry #7
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Don_Juan
Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-07-19 01:43 PM


Devolute Me

I've died slowly
painful and tortured
torn to oblivion by the tongue lashings
butchered by all the lies
do you love it yet?
Eyes bloodshot, pupils detatched
tear ducts expel only dust
salt water floods the asphalt
from the back patio to the front porch
are we in love yet?
slammed through walls and barriers
did my spine crack
or was it my life?
stumbling over memories
falling into judgemental eyes
that only a love-lorn, world-torn
long haired hippie freak could find
can beauty love the swine?
only love for inked paper and exhaust
just walk all over me (isn't that love?)
like a bear skin rug
with welcome printed on the back
just please leave your shoes at the door
powers at be
please just devolute me
flash a "hang ten" sign and free me
devolute me
take these 3.D. problems
and force feed them to a 2.D. world
make me simple and one celled
so that i may crawl and squirm away
from the every day pain.


just something i threw together when i had nothing to do. I hope you all enjoy it. Also if anyone could give me some comments to make the poem better that would bemuch appreciated.

nice use of muffin

© Copyright 2004 John Lervezuk - All Rights Reserved
Stepharoo
Member
since 2004-05-04
Posts 149
Washington, USA
1 posted 2004-07-20 12:48 PM


I had to read it a few times to fully understand. I kinda get a sad feeling when I read it, but all around good. I like it!
Keep it up

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2004-07-25 11:32 PM


OK

1) you're use of rhetorical questions rocked

2) you have an amazing use of wording. I liked how you pieced it all together.

3) your flow lacked big time on certain parts. Im sure you can find them. Some lines just didnt seem to match, but that was very minute compared to how great the actual poem was.


i even played guitar to it. Sounded cool lol

good job I want to read more from you

I left my wallet in El Segundo...
And I gotta get it
I got got to get it!

*Alli4000*
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188
The World of Poetry
3 posted 2004-12-26 11:20 PM




~Alli~

Happy Holidays!

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