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Teen Poetry #7

Explosive

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2004-07-02 01:25 AM

The fireworks light up the sky
as you have my life.

Sparks of what to come
are in your eyes tonight.

This relationship
is as short lived as firecrackers over Ragle Field.

Explosive
YOU AND I

One 4th of July,
I fell out of love as I was falling into it.

My heart drop
just as the ashes fell from the sky.

*I really don't know what this is or what it's trying to be but . . . comment anyways*

* For all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those, "It might have been." *

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2004-07-02 03:28 PM

Cinderelly--

I felt the beginning kind of weak due to the lack of flow...but right after the third stanza, it got a lot better.

I felt that it ended prematurely and you could've added a line in there summing up the entire concept. Overall, you did a good job, now just work a bit on your beginnings and endings.

--Leah

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

2 posted 2004-07-02 07:05 PM

I really enjoyed this poem, although I think that you can improve it a bit. Add more decriptive words, and like chasing rain said, try to make it flow better.
Just add and revise and try to improve, and I think this could go from the good poem it is now, to an awesome poem.

~Alli~

Sweetest Sorrow X
Member

since 2004-01-19

Posts 146
From a cradle to a casket

3 posted 2004-07-04 05:24 PM

Confusing

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