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Teen Poetry #7
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The Storm(edited !)
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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The Storm(edited !) |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world 
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The Storm The rain falls freely down to earth as the tears fall down my face, clouding up my mind... now a scared and confused place. The lightning strikes the ground as your love has stuck my heart, leaving me utterly helpless, and unable from you to part. The clouds swirling across the sky, in a vortex or love and hate, reminding me of the hurt and pain, brought to me by fate. The rain keeps growing stronger, flooding the grounds beneath my feet, just like your love flooded my mind, blinding me from things to see. The wetness is soaking through the clothes, chilling me straight to the bone, protecting me, as you had, and never leaving me alone. The darkness has taken over, as has my loneliness with out you. If you were unable to lead my way, I am unsure of what I'd do. -Erin Well, I got some comments on this poem last time and I looked at it and redid some of the parts that I was commented on to make them better. Usually if I redo a poem I don't repost it but this is one of my favorite and most challenging poems and I would really appriciate comments and critiques! -Erin "If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!" |
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| © Copyright 2004 Erin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I really like this poem. And the comparing of the storm to your feelings. Since I didn't read it before I couldn't tell you if you've improved it, but I liked it.  Thanks for sharing. W.W. |
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Rommance_Touch Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 97 |
Nice work, it flooded my feelings, all parts are really sweet, but these word i liked more this lines: The lightning strikes the ground as your love has stuck my heart, leaving me utterly helpless, and unable from you to part. hope 4 u more nice work!!! |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Greatly improved! It was lovely before and now it is stunning! I liked the line changes in the last stanza and taking out the "sad" did wonders for the "feel" of the poem if that makes any sense. Once again, well done, I loved it. ~Live and Laugh~ The memories are worth the pain when the happiness is outweighs the sorrow |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Erin~ I had not read the unedited version ... but I can tell you that this is rich with feeling and imagery~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
I'm speechless.....this poem is really good....wow!!! ~Alli~ |
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sweet_cute_palestinian04 Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418Earth |
THIS POEM WAS THE MOST INTERSTING POEM I HAVE READ FROM YOU,,,It REALLY REALLY MADE ME TEAR,,YOU REALLY MADE ME REALIZE I HAVE DONE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!!!!,,,, thank u soo much 4 this wonderful poem ,,,especially this part The rain falls freely down to earth as the tears fall down my face, clouding up my mind... now a scared and confused place. THIS PART IS THE MOST INTERSTING PARt,,i dont know why but i loved this poem....keep posting please,,,love and respect Fate is what controls the world so just let it go and I PROMISE YOU WILL MAKE IT!!! |
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BabieDoll Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268BFE |
This was a good poem...thanks for the read. ~J.Lynn  There is not ONE person in this world that you cannot live without. |
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