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Hopeless
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Hopeless |
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Pollita Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 220the unknown realm of insanity |
Hold me down under this Ocean, ocean of my tears and lost dreams. Steadily watch me suffocate, suffocate from your love's poison. You silently plea for my sanity, a sanity that I no longer posess. Close your eyes and forget me not, not knowing I can never embrace you. My sorrow shall not come between us, an us that could never stay a secret. In death we shall seperate, seperate our differences and regain relief. Guilt overwhelms my hollow mind, a mind that used to only worry about you. I wanted to love you forever, but forever vanishes as I take my last breath. * Is adult entertainment killing our children or is killing our children entertaining adults? * -Brian Warner |
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| © Copyright 2004 Delaniie Quirk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
I liked it, there's just one thing that I might like to critique. I'm not sure if this is part of how the poem is supposed to flow or not, I'm not that great of one so bare with me here, I might be completly wrong. Hold me down under this Ocean, ocean of my tears and lost dreams. I liked this line but repeating the word ocean, I don't know, maybe if you put something like: Hold me down under this Ocean, filled with my tears and lost dreams. Maybe that would make it somewhat better. I still really liked it, it had a good meaning and I got the point. Good write. "If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!" |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Yes, I agree with Trapper, but overall nice poem!! ~Alli~ |
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