Betrayal (PLEASE COMMENT!!!)

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*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

0 posted 2004-04-10 06:33 PM

(NOTE: This is the revised version of a poem I wrote earlier.)

We still call each other friends,
But we know it’s just not true.
Outside I act like it’s alright,
But inside I’m angry and blue.

We were best friends for just one year,
And never did you make me feel pain;
Until our friendship ended so unexpectedly,
When you acted so cold and vain.

I don’t know why you did it.
Talking about me behind my back.
Spreading such lies around;
And saying that I didn’t act like a friend should act.

You said I was paying no attention to you,
Well that is just not the truth.
And how could you tell people that I was untrustworthy,
When clearly you knew there was no proof?

After awhile of telling your lies,
You decided to cut the crap.
And came hurrying up to me saying,
“I want our friendship back!”

I had a feeling you weren’t being sincere.
But me being so naïve,
Said “Hey, what the heck!”
Yet ultimately you still wanted to leave.

Now when we pass each other in the halls,
We pretend we just don’t see;
Each other walking the other way.
But, hey, it doesn’t bother me.

Ok, so maybe it does a little bit,
When I think of the friendship we had.
But then I remember all the things you did,
And how much they made me mad.

I remember all the times of laughter;
But can’t forget the fear,
When I first found out how cruel you are;
And how you were so insincere.

One day when you become more mature,
And learn how to be a better friend;
Maybe we can resolve everything.
But for now it is the end.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

1 posted 2004-04-10 07:08 PM

Have you posted this b4? Just wonderin, i could swear i've read this b4. I like this a lot. I have gone through this b4 and am going through it right now with one of my friends, because we both lied 2 each other, and i was the only one.. WOMAN enough 2 admitt it. I calle dher and told her that i had lied about where i was when i was talking to her, and that i kew she had been lying to me the whole time, and we havent talked since, and in the halls we pretend that we dont see eachother. I really dont care though. I mean i do... but i am just not gonna let it get 2 me. Like i said before... AMAZIN write.

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

2 posted 2004-04-11 08:04 PM

Thanks for your comment.
This is the same poem as before - except that I made a few changes to it.

Thanks again,
~Alli~

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

3 posted 2004-04-12 12:45 PM

gre88888888888 poem...keep it up...and keep ur love....i really loved this poem ,it made me feel soo true..thanks again

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

4 posted 2004-04-12 08:58 AM

Amazing... I don't know how to describe what I think, because I think it's amazing.. I only post comments to poems which I think is special! Maybe, because I've experienced the same things or because I feel at the same way, I don't know, but Alli, don't stop doing this! Keep up the good work. I enjoy your way of writing, and enjoy your amazing poems. It's fantastic...

-sometimes when I read poems (here), I get scared. It's incredible that different people like us in here can have the same experiences. It's weird...

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

5 posted 2004-04-12 06:50 PM

Wow. Thanks you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. I love knowing that you enjoyed it and that you think it was good.
Thanks again.

~Alli~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

6 posted 2004-04-12 07:37 PM

Also, sweet_cute_palestinian04 and Fleur, welcome to passions!

~Alli~

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

7 posted 2004-04-13 10:59 AM

You're welcome Alli,I always spend time on great poems as yours. And thank you!.. This is a really great site!

UnsilencedWords666
Member

since 2003-11-19

Posts 63
Broken Memories & Falling Tears

8 posted 2004-04-13 06:01 PM

This is really good...I am currently going through this with a girl I had been friends with for about a year...I'm done with her friendship and her after a second try...Thanks for writing this it summed-up everythign I have been going through...Keep on Writing...

*~*nessa bear*~*

You can’t choose who you are Only what you will be Why can't you choose To let me be me...*~*Nessa Bear*~*

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

9 posted 2004-04-13 06:31 PM

Thanks nessa bear for your comment. I really loved your poem "If I"

~Alli~

SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

10 posted 2004-07-02 01:05 AM

This is wonderful. I can feel many diffrents emotions. I am sorry things ended badly...it goes to show you may never really know someone! Take Care!

Lisa

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

11 posted 2004-07-02 01:42 AM

My "friend" did all this stuff to me about a year ago. I'm ok now, but when I think back, it still hurts.
Thanks for reading Lisa!

~Alli~

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

12 posted 2004-07-02 11:38 AM

Wow, I thought I was the only one that had this kind of a problem! lol I went through this last fall with someone I considered my best friend. I got angry cause she always copied me and then would say it was her own style and she got really angry and rude when I confronted her on it. We did the same thing, walk down the hall trying not to notice. You did an awesome job putting it into words!

Love is giving him the ability to break your heart...but trusting him enough to know he won't.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

13 posted 2004-07-02 02:23 PM

Alli4000-

Your overall concept was expressed very well in this poem. However, sometimes I felt some of the rhyming was a bit elementary and could've used more elaborate wording, especially in a piece with this much thought and feeling.

i.e.
"Ok, so maybe it does a little bit,
When I think of the friendship we had.
But then I remember all the things you did,
And how much they made me mad."

Also, the meter seemed to be jaggy a few times, due to the word choices and/or the sentence structure. I'm sure that if you reworded some of the lines, it would flow better and the overall meaning will have a greater effect on the reader.

I look forward to reading your next post. And don't worry about people not replying...that's something you shouldn't even have to ask for.

--Leah

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

14 posted 2004-07-02 08:22 PM

Trapper789, thank you soo much for giving me your input on my poem. Funny, I actually thought that I was the only one with this problem.

Chasing Rain, that's your opinion and I respect that. Actually, I kinda feel the same way, lol! This was the first poem I ever wrote, and I know that I could've done a better job. I think I'll take your suggestion, and rewrite some of the lines and then post it again.

Again, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my poem!

~Alli~

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

15 posted 2004-09-05 02:39 PM

Alli,
You expressed your feelings very well. I've got no skills to critique. But I know life and often it hurts. Your willingness to be open to change and forgiveness impresses me. I think you'd make an awesome friend!

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

16 posted 2004-09-05 04:12 PM

alli
i like larry c am not one to critique but i will say that i liked it alot. i like alot of people, have been thro this before!
laura

dodge_chick2003
Member

since 2004-01-18

Posts 136
California

17 posted 2004-09-05 05:11 PM

I can totally relate to this poem. Its actually the story of my life. It feels like everytime I find a best friend they end up stabbing me in the back. Keep up the good work.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

18 posted 2004-09-05 05:30 PM

Larry - Wow...you brought this poem back from nowhere...thanks.

Laura - Thanks for reading my poem and commenting...glad you liked it.

Dodge_chick - I'm so sorry that this happenes to you too...I know how much it hurts.

Thanks you guys for reading and replying!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

19 posted 2004-09-12 04:33 AM

Nice write. i enjoyed it.

-GIS

He has made everything beautiful in its own time. -Ecclesiastes 3:11

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

20 posted 2004-09-12 11:42 AM

green_itchy_stuff - Glad that you enjoyed it...btw, I like your pip screen name

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

21 posted 2004-09-15 08:49 AM

Alright, let me start by saying this is a good poem and I like the concept. But as for the way it's written; I don't mean to sound mean but it just seems a bit...childish. The words used and the text doesn't seem to fit a teenager. It feels like it's coming from someone in 6th or 7th grade. Many will probably disagree with me, but I just wanted to let you know my opinion. I'm not really into rhyme and simple words in poems these days...so maybe that's what throws me off. But overall, your poem is good and going into my library.

~J.Lynn

There is not ONE person in this world that you cannot live without.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

22 posted 2004-09-15 06:09 PM

BabieDoll - Actually...this was the first poem I ever wrote, and actually...lol...i was in 7th grade
So your guess was right!

And as I said before to another reply, this was the first poem I wrote in my entire life and I was just experimenting, you know seeing if I could actually write anything

Once again thanks you your reply. Athough I love people telling me how much they enjoyed my poem, etc. I do like to know what I did wrong, and what I can approve on.

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

23 posted 2004-09-16 03:16 PM

Wow, I felt like I wrote this poem! heh. I actually wrote one, very similar. I definitely know how this feels, wow can I relate. I think this poem was really great, I loved it! I have a similar problem with an old best friend of mine...except now shes going to be my bridesmaid and we dont talk! YIKES! hehe! Anywho, keep up the great work!
Dare 2 Dream!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

24 posted 2004-09-17 11:32 PM

Serena - Thank you so much for your reply. And congrats on getting married!

I would love you read the poem that you wrote that is like mine. If it's not too much trouble, would you give me the link.

Once again, thanks for reading!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

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