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Beach
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Beach |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
One moment Upon the beach Looking deep Within crystalline blue eyes No words spoken None were ever needed Here upon This stormy beach Hand within hand We stroll Together forever in Eternal happiness Slight breezes Play with your hair A smile spreads slightly Upon my face Knowing your pure beauty Lasts even after waking Reality snaps back A curious deceit this fantasy realm Falling back to conscious Knowing a shared dream Will soon return please critique... be harsh but tell me what i need to do to make it better -lance There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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| © Copyright 2004 Lance Keber - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
I'm not very good at critique-ing, so i'm jsut gonna tell ya what i felt when i read it. I felt... amazed, and i dunno. This was just awesome, I really like it. I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
thank you... haha its ok i suck at critiques as well... thanks for the comment There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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click1 Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 152usa |
The twist of the words are pure art...well done, you have made something real of JUST words, an emotiion, a thought ,a picture in time...and sound...thank you! "Go on,get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough" Karl Marx Last words Click |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
haha no thank you... lol thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my writting There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
ok...critique. I will try. The "here upon" in the second stanza was kind of unnecessary. I think that you could definately expand on much of this. Go a little deeper. Get a little more descriptive. I felt like this was the summary, and a more detailed explanation would come later... Well..I do enjoy your writings. I loved the line about the breezes playing in her hair. Beautiful line. Keep writing, and posting.   |
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