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Gothika_07
Member

since 2004-01-15

Posts 61
new zealand

0 posted 2004-02-20 01:04 AM

I'm sick of denying
sick of relying

trying to forget
mind won't relent

upon this one thought
my skin stretch taught

when i look upon ur face
my heart begins to quicken in pace

i don't even wish it
wounds open just a tiny slit

just enough to feel a sting
a prick a sliver a funny thing

oh a funny thing is love
so evil yet innocent as a dove

white so putrid i feel sick
hot flames begin to scar to lick

and the only relief
is in ones true belief

In Death

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

1 posted 2004-02-20 01:40 AM

hey bex

this one is good but i felt it wasnt really going anywhere. but you definitly did a good job.

keep rockin n rollin

darkness

You can always hear a tear in Cobain's voice, the pain going on there is always visible through his lyrics - Marilon Manson

silhouetted
Senior Member

since 2004-01-30

Posts 537
New Zealand

2 posted 2004-02-20 03:35 AM

yer i agree with soph

but i really like the ryhming

LOR

"They'll love you just the way you are, if your perfect" - Alanis Morisette

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

3 posted 2004-02-21 06:06 PM

someone told me that rhyming in couplets is extremely hard to do, and i think they are right cuz it's really restricting, but it looks like you did your best so i can't complain a whole lot, i would however suggest trying to do this same poem as a freeverse and see if you can't say what you wanna say better. (but i would keep the "white so putrid i feel sick
hot flames begin to scar to lick" lines, cuz that is just plain art right there=)

- River

sleep my precious slumber

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

4 posted 2004-02-21 07:09 PM

"upon this one thought
my skin stretch taught"

This is the only part that sounds really forced, but the rest is really good.

I cant really say much about the rhyming in couplets, because it is really hard to do, and i respect anyone that can.
I liked the ending. It was awesome.

~Vampire Kisses

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

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