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Dark Poetry #4
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Where to turn
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Where to turn |
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Vagabond Member
since 2004-01-23
Posts 163
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Where to turn Where do i go? Hunted forever Never to see or feel A husk am I My soul drivin drivin far from its home. Run, run poor soul Escape while you still can before they cathc you to Mind body and soul They hurt I run flee soul run to a better life you deserve better Faltering my steps are they are catching run, run away I try and try but to no avail traped i am traped in hell I how i fixed it Vagabon the Lost One No one understands I follow a path unfollowable [This message has been edited by Vagabond (02-04-2004 03:42 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Jerome Hollon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
I agree with what you said. It doesnt seem to have a flow or a purpose. Maybe If you try to make it longer... maybe with some twists and truns. I do like the first part of the poem.... the first three lines. try again, you seem to have good words and phrases going on. Hope that helps! post it if you decide to try again, I love all your poems so plz do try to fix it! keep rocking  darknessPlease answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11 |
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Jelfling Junior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 21Indiana |
maybe talk about why they're running and why they can't look back to love and joy. Why are they hunted, and by whom? |
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Vagabond Member
since 2004-01-23
Posts 163 |
I wasn't in the mood. Earlier my first poems i got good reviews. but the mood has flead. The first 3 lines were good but i lost it after that. I hope i can fix it latter not now. Did anyone read my fist poem First Stab? It got deleted, adimn didn't like the contint Vagabon the Lost One |
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Vagabond Member
since 2004-01-23
Posts 163 |
i fixed it, i hope Vagabon the Lost One |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
ill tell you what some one was kind enough to tell me... "editing is for fools..." meaning that go with your first instinct, you can never 'fix' a poem, some are good some are bad, some can be revised, but never fixed... "So what befalls the flawless? |
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Vagabond Member
since 2004-01-23
Posts 163 |
this origanal was bad so the editing helped Vagabon the Lost One |
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
wow! i love this version this is such an amazing poem!!!! you really have to read it and think about it hardcore!!!!!!!! i cant express how much i love it!!! keep rokin You can always hear a tear in Cobain's voice, the pain going on there is always visible through his lyrics - Marilon Manson |
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Vagabond Member
since 2004-01-23
Posts 163 |
thank you Vagabon the Lost One |
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