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Gothika_07
Member

since 2004-01-15

Posts 61
new zealand

0 posted 2004-02-02 12:32 PM

blood stained eyes emerge from darkness
rock hard flesh keeps out the harshness
even the sun does not singe your ashen flesh
breath that passes your eternal lips is still fresh

coveted by million years of knowledge and power
as you walk gracefully you step upon a dying flower
crashing it to a bleeding pulp, soundless you move
dartingthrough the bushes creating no grove

you then take to the sky like a dark raven
your victims all love you as if your their haven
but as you suck their nectar from their viens
you touch down on the road diving through the lanes

running so fast you become a blur, until you halt
a car screeches to a stop, blaming you, your fault
you stifle a laugh break into a grin
you are the creature, temper stretched thin

his graceful blonde hair is gorgeous to you a moment of ectasy your cheeks take on a rosy hue
as blood ancient flows up dead passage ways
you impatiently look at the sky as it sprouts rays

then when the man looks back you take the kill
feeling the love as you drain him take your fill
he flops limply in your celestial arms
and you know your the one with the killer charms

then as you slip into his car
you fly done the freeway getting so far
parking the car you take to the sky
giving youreslf to the wind you let out a cry

"I am the angel of the night."
"I fear nothing not even flight"

Paragon
Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 114

1 posted 2004-02-02 12:42 PM

Firstoff, I'd like to say this was great vamp poetry. Secondly, You encourage constructive criticism so... here it is.

Third line, second stanza: I think crashing should be changed to crushing, crashing makes you think of something plummeting from the sky and would more easily fit in conjunction with a scene where a vampire landed from mid-air, not a footfall. Crushing makes it seem that the very weight of his being, the burden of power was pulverizing the flower. Just a cosmetic thought.

Second line, third stanza:
"Your" should be "you're" as it's saying something to the effect of (can't see the poem for exact phrasing) 'you are their haven' not showing possession as your would indicate. Again, if I am wrong please let me know, I like correction it helps.

All in all, this was a good peice of dark poetry. I enjoyed the descriptions.

-Paragon

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

2 posted 2004-02-02 12:56 PM

I LOVED THIS ONE VERY GOOD

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

3 posted 2004-02-03 03:45 AM

BABY THIS HIT THE SPOT

mmm mmm mmm long time no see of vamp poems from you my gothika

LOVED IT

agree with paragon for the crashing/crushing thing aye

ALLL GOOD
keep rokin

darkness

Please answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

4 posted 2004-02-03 01:55 PM

This is a pretty good piece and I enjoyed the twists and your use of words.

-GIS

Hatered and lies go hand-in-hand, while love is always truth.

[I do it for the love... ...I do it from the bottom of my heart.]-Smile Empty Soul

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