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Dark Poetry #4
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jared34ricky
Junior Member
since 2008-12-30
Posts 12
South Carolina, USA

0 posted 2008-12-31 02:49 PM


There’s a person in this rear view mirror
It’s myself and I, it’s everyone yet one
An aspect that defeats colors
So how do I explain,
This worthless fixation
On the understanding of the impossible


My eyes glance out a window
Constantly following a line of fence posts
That seem to go and go and go on


They wander towards the backdrop
Brought on by these back roads
In an unsuccessful attempt to escape


Streaks of light escape the white clouds
Glaring over the harvested, dirty crops
Bringing a shade of dread
To the trodden spirits of these used souls
That life is just inevitable for them


The hills of pale tan and dark green
Roll on with the wheels underneath me


A perfectly placed red farm house
Spaced between heaven and this world
Overlooking the beauty of it all
Sits in a place doesn’t seem random in the least


You see it’s all a display of orange becoming orange,
Fall leaves and sunset uniting into a singular wonder,
Struggling against the dark blue sky
Bringing the hues of earth to a true grandeur of delusion


Grasping this in comparison to the wind blowing
Picking up speed on this winding road
It surrounds my ears and thoughts
Cold and peircing, tightening my fingers and lungs
But I can breathe so easily


It unravels my supposed insinuations
Degrading me down to that of a school boy
And then reminding me


That all of this supposed gorgeous litter
Can’t comprehend anything at all
And yet the minuscule portrayal of myself
Is the greatest thing on this earth
Then what is, becomes the question of the end



© Copyright 2008 Jared J. Buchholz - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

1 posted 2008-12-31 04:09 PM


A good poem in the making but it's going require cutting and revision. Just for fun, try starting with your lines

"Streaks of light escape the white clouds
Glaring over the harvested, dirty crops
Bringing a shade of dread"

and see where you'd want to take the rest of the poem from there.



jared34ricky
Junior Member
since 2008-12-30
Posts 12
South Carolina, USA
2 posted 2008-12-31 06:56 PM


you should have seen how long it was to begin with, so boring i know, here's revision four, i appreciate the advice


Streaks of light escape the white clouds
Glaring over the harvested, dirty crops

A shade of dread for these used souls

Hills of pale tan and green roll
With the wheels underneath me

While a red farm house sits
Placed in a spot
That doesn’t seem random in the least

You see there’s a collision of orange and orange
With fall leaves and sunset uniting
Struggling against a dark blue backdrop

But this fixation
On the hues of the earth
Degrades my mind
To that of a school boy

A delusion of grandeur

For all this gorgeous litter
Can’t comprehend anything at all

It’s an aspect that defeats color


JenniferMaxwell
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Member Elite
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423

3 posted 2009-01-01 05:26 PM


That seems a little more focused to me. What do you think?
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