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Dark Poetry #4

thorns

NormalitxButterfly
Member

since 2008-07-09

Posts 107

0 posted 2008-09-15 08:20 PM

the thorns in my heart
they've been there for so long
with each beat
they sank deeper
become more constricting
i wonder how long
before my heart stops

[This message has been edited by NormalitxButterfly (09-15-2008 09:33 PM).]

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2008-09-15 08:33 PM

Maybe it's just me but it seems your use of tense off a little as in:

"they sank deeper
become more constricting"

Abbeon
Member

since 2006-11-30

Posts 228
Curiousity, and wonder

2 posted 2008-09-16 01:00 PM

Throns with in a heart, so painful, blocking the ability to feel to love. I liked the idea around it, and the poem its self.
Becca.

The hollow emptiness, the crazed thoughts left to survive

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

3 posted 2008-09-19 12:27 PM

i like the idea and the visuals but it seemed a lil off beat to me....otherwise it's pretty good.

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