Dark Poetry #4 |
frags from the bull pen #1 |
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
summer blahs - the green i longed for when snow buried my world heart deep in winter’s unbearable silence turned into a polyethylene garbage bag wrapping the stark perfection of bruegel winter trees in the colors of wilted asparagus. annuals bordering the tarmac have lost their brilliance and become seedy-eyed bedheads weedy-legged stragglers deadheaded in capuchin brown. strangled by the inner city’s beijing like pollution the birds now mime their song in trash strewn parks and clouds of car exhaust but in the long shadows of sunburned grass the first red maple leaf and a mourning dove searching for her morning song. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
"frags" - ugh. Stoppit. "Heart deep" is great. You don't need "unbearable" imo, unbearable is contained in "longed for" "buried" "heart deep" Liked all the "w" sounds in S1 And all the "b" sounds in S2 "Bruegel" "capuchin" ! - this is a deliberate ploy to make me feel inadequate. Very nice. Summer reading or doc dict paying off. Didn't much care for "inner city's beijing like pollution" - quite a mouthful This was brilliant: "the birds now mime their song in trash strewn parks and clouds of car exhaust" And the final strophe was "wow!! Especially the last two lines. Why do you hide away in this miserable Dark place? You need to expose yourself more Jennifer M. M |
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