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Dark Poetry #4

4 stage destruction

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

0 posted 2003-12-13 08:38 PM

I don't know you
thoughts of you have died
shamefull takedown
auto-breakup

I can't see anyone
all run and hide
social letdown
auto-shakeup

I can't feel anything
nerve endings decease
mental breakdown
auto-erupt

I can't breath anymore
gasping grip release
system shutdown
auto-destruct

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

[This message has been edited by River (12-13-2003 08:43 PM).]

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

1 posted 2003-12-13 11:38 PM

i feel this like quietly dying, suffocating,

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

2 posted 2003-12-14 09:34 AM

I can relate to this and like it, but I read your encouragement of constructive critiques and the best advise I can give is What if ir wasn't so abruptly put. THe poem is 4-Stage Destruction so yeah there are four stanza's, but what if you elaborte more by say giving little details in between stanza's or in the stanza's themselves. Just an honest opinion.

-GIS

lol, I just noticed something. If the "G" in GIS is turned to an "H" it says "HIS", thats crazy.lol

Closed will remain closed until opened.

[I try hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad...]- Kurt Cobain

[This message has been edited by green_itchy_stuff (12-14-2003 05:26 PM).]

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

3 posted 2003-12-14 02:11 PM

good idea...I didn't spend a whole lot of time writing this...but i thought i would put it up anyway just for the heck of it, lol. so yes, i definatly agree, it neeeds work, lol thanx "HIS" lol.

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

Mad_Hatter
Member

since 2003-06-29

Posts 393
Canada

4 posted 2003-12-14 04:10 PM

I really liked this and I enjoyed the abruptness, it added that feeling of desperation...well written.

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