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JenniferMaxwell
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0 posted 2008-05-11 06:29 AM


After they each took a keepsake
to remember her by
and donated to charity
things she’d not need at the care home,
all that was left were a few of her collectibles,
dusty with the shadows
of dreams and memories,
fragile as a glass menagerie,
in a shoebox full of old photographs of people
the family couldn't identify.

The day I took her the shoebox
was misty and overcast
in that world where I can’t reach her.
I untied the ribbon on the box
and left it open on her bedside table.
I visited again on a cloudless
blue sky day, and found her
in the day room with the box
tied up again with ribbon,
sitting on her lap.


© Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
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1 posted 2008-05-11 11:57 AM


Hmm this one is sort of confusing.. well the story line is.. The last stanza sort of threw me off.. do you mind explaining?

~Zach~

"Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant."

JenniferMaxwell
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2 posted 2008-05-11 04:09 PM


Sorry, Zach, didn’t make very clear, did I?
I’ve been reading your discussion thread about ghosts, spirits, etc., and it got me thinking that most of us disappear off the radar screen in about three or four generations. By that I mean the ordinary person is remembered only for a few generations. After that there’s no one left who remembers them except perhaps as a name on the family tree.

In the poem what I was trying to say is that the person in the care home was the only one left in her family who knew those in the photographs and the sentimental significance of her collectibles. To her they were important enough to save and treasure, (tie up with ribbon and keep close to her) to the rest of the family they meant nothing. Someday the keepsakes (and photographs) the family took to remember her by will be equally as meaningless to the generations that follow them. Hope that helps. And thanks very much for reading.


Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

3 posted 2008-05-12 01:48 PM




Dear JenniferMaxwell,

           Early draft of another good piece.  Think of a few things here for the revision.  In a poem, every word needs to be there.  If it doesn't need to be there, it needs to be gone.  There are loads and loads of exceptions, and you should feel free to take all that you want; but first try a draft where you take the extra words out and shrink the thing down and try out the shorter version.

     Your working in a care home here is a metaphor, and maybe as a reality as well.  But because of the metaphorical weight the image carries, you need to be very conscious about staying clear in the pictures and details you use.  It is fine to use a single sentence for a first stanza, but it needs to be exceptionally clear, and it needs to earn its place.  

     I'm going to try a re-write here, and see what I can come up with.


After they each took a keepsake
to remember her by
and donated to charity
things she’d not need at the care home,
all that was left were a few of her collectibles,
dusty with the shadows
of dreams and memories,
fragile as a glass menagerie,
in a shoebox full of old photographs of people
the family couldn't identify.

     In looking at this stanza, I felt that it seemed unfocused.  Things felt soft and vague, despite the brittle glass.  It seemed to me that there was vaseline smeared over the lens here, or the scene was being shot through gauze.  Part of this effect was that the lines were too wordy; some were too long.  "Glass menagerie" ought to be replaced by something not already so "owned" by Tennessee Williams.  It's a wonderful phrase, but anytime somebody uses it, the question of Williams automatically comes up and who needs that?

  You can see what I've done below, and If you wonder why, please ask and I'll try to reconstruct the nonsense that was going through my head at the time.  I do have reasons, I am simply somewhat short on time right now, and if any of the suggestions don't feel useful, for heaven's sake ignore them!

Caretaker

They donated to charity
things she’d not need
at the care home.
Each took a keepsake
to remember her by.
They left her a few collectibles
Fragile as a glass menagerie
In a shoebox of photographs
they couldn't identify.


Second stanza:

The day I took her the shoebox
was misty and overcast
in that world where I can’t reach her.
I untied the ribbon on the box
and left it open on her bedside table.
I visited again on a cloudless
blue sky day, and found her
in the day room with the box
tied up again with ribbon,
sitting on her lap.


On a day that was misty and overcast
I untied the ribbon
on the box, and left it open
on her bedside table.
On a blue sky day, I visited again  
and found her
in the day room with the box
sitting on her lap,
tied up again with ribbon.

     I tried for tighter.  I shifted the surprise to the last line, where I thought it might have the most impact, and I played with the lineation a bit.  "The world where I can't reach her" is certainly true but may be more for the sake of the writer than the reader.  I do feel sympathy for you when you put the line in, but I've already understood that she herself is in fairly tough shape.  For a reader who's not another writer, I think the line is a distraction from the single push of the poem.  A poem of this length can generally support only one.  "Cloudless" came out because I already understood the sky was blue and while there might be some reason for emphasizing the cloudlessness of a blue sky, I didn't see that need here.  You might, of course.  So, here's my whole version.

Caretaker

They donated to charity
things she’d not need
at the care home.
Each took a keepsake
to remember her by.
They left her a few collectibles
Fragile as a glass menagerie
In a shoebox of photographs
they couldn't identify.

On a day that was misty and overcast
I untied the ribbon
on the box, and left it open
on her bedside table.
On a blue sky day, I visited again  
and found her
in the day room with the box
sitting on her lap,
tied up again with ribbon.

     Hope it helps in further revisions.  Best from LA, BobK.

JenniferMaxwell
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4 posted 2008-05-12 06:19 PM


Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions, Bob K. I especially liked the way you switched the closing lines. Adds much more of a punch.

As you’ve no doubt guessed, there’s a lot of the personal in this series of poems. The lines you mentioned that could be cut, rephrased, etc., (and the dual direction)came into being because of that. Perhaps for me they need to be there, but for the reader, as you said, they can be confusing and a distraction.

Yep, did run on a bit in the opening, didn’t I? Making a note to self, which I should have done the first time you mentioned it, to use shorter sentences and words with fewer syllables. I read very fast and never out loud, so those things just don’t pop out at me as being the sore thumbs they are to someone else.

I can see now that not making it clear that the shoebox would have been thrown out if I hadn’t rescued it, was a huge mistake, and very misleading for the reader. To the family it seemed just rubbish, but since she had often shown me some of the things in it, and told me stories about them, I knew to her it was priceless and perhaps one of the few things left that might bring her pleasure and comfort.

The weather words - misty, overcast, cloudless, have to do with the state of mind of the person I visit who now suffers from dementia with psychotic episodes. Some days she’s more or less herself and others she believes the staff and I are trying to kill her. Thus it can be cloudy on a blue sky day. So cloudless was another of those personal reflections that really doesn’t help the reader or the poem, but for me it’s a memory I treasure like the image of cherry blossoms drifting around her. The glass menagerie line - I hoped it would give the reader a clue about her background and family history without going into detail.  

I can see what you mean, that a poem this short can’t take two directions. It wasn’t a conscious decision to try to do both, but one way seemed too cold and the other too emotional so I straggled the line, evidently without much success. I’ll have to give some thought about which direction to take revisions or a re-write.

Thanks again for your feedback and your help. I really appreciate it!

Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

5 posted 2008-05-12 08:08 PM




Dear JenniferMaxwell,

          From the way her family seems to be dealing with her belongings, the paranoid thoughts probably aren't so paranoid.  Not that her family is trying to kill her literally, you understand, but these belongings are things a person with dementia holds on to as connection to reality, and as they are attacked, so is her hold on the world.

     In every piece of paranoia there is a piece of truth that needs to be accounted for.  By discounting her perception that folks are trying to kill her, to her mind you may be joining the conspiracy.  Welcome to the wild and wacky world of psychotic thinking!

     The poem is still a good one.  These are simply considerations and they may not fit with what your needs are.  Use what you can and dump the rest.  Any luck in finding William Stafford's Writing The Australian Crawl?  He's very useful.  Or Richard Hugo's  The Triggering Town?  Both are knockout useful writing books.

     Best, BobK.  

JenniferMaxwell
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6 posted 2008-05-13 02:52 AM


I don’t think her family means to be hurtful or insensitive. It’s more like they’re having a hard time dealing with a situation they don’t understand and don’t know how to handle any better than most of us would.

I try to acknowledge how she feels without agreeing with or denying her delusions.  If she’s having a day when she believes the staff is trying to poison her, I listen and acknowledge that must be very frightening to think about. But when there’s a pause in her conversation, I try to bring up a topic that interests her and is non-threatening. Sometimes that works and gives her a few minutes relief from her delusions, sometimes it doesn’t. A change in scene helps a little, too, like taking her outdoors to the courtyard or down to see the birds in the day room.

Yes, I read Stafford’s book and though I had difficulty with parts of it, I got a lot out of what he said about the creative process. I read Triggering Town about six months ago and would say that’s an easier read. I also ordered Stafford’s collection, The Darkness Around Us Is Deep which should be in this week. I’m really looking forward to reading it.

As for the poem, the first draft was for me. Revisions will be geared more toward the reader. Thanks so much for your interest and your help.  

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx
7 posted 2008-05-14 04:31 PM


I see your name so much in the forum...  it reminds me of me.  how long have you been writting?  I used to write 3-4 poems a night.  Now I'm extremely busy...

god bless,
in christ,
-GIS


green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx
8 posted 2008-05-14 04:32 PM


by the way I'm showing my signature on both of these replies... lol.


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