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Dark Poetry #4
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Stafford Free Ranger
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Stafford Free Ranger |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The two note bird started at 4:53 annoying as bagpipes persistent as sin shriller than pig squeals blah as lamb bleats the two note falsetto of the flock virgin childless and driven by an internal rhythm strangled into song - Time flies, time flies! In drum bursting decibels her shriek pierced the double glaze and the night comforter pulled up over my head shattered the window that locked out the outside the inside in in the monastic silence and white noise hum of my single bed dream world. Time flies, time flies! But the bird and I for a time shared at least one conviction that the roof of the firmament should always be home in this springtime world, a treetop room with a narrow cot view of seeds to be gathered from the bountiful riches of this leafy green earth until winter came, closed up her throat turned solo song into a new tremolo - Time’s flown, time’s flown! [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (05-09-2008 12:43 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
I really like this one. I think you've made the refrain like work, a difficult thing for me, but I think you've put in too many variations of some of the lines and ideas. You've got a prolific imagination. Why not see if there are things you can trim, so there's more of a flow through from beginning to end. It's a wonderful poem Jennifer Maxwell. It may need a few more drafts for you to get a notion of which parts of the language do the sparkling and which do the bridging between them. Revise, enjoy, jump and shout. Let's see another few drafts. Very fine indeed, and likely to get better. BobK. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks for the kind words. Having put it aside for a while, can see a real excess of of modifying prepositional phrases that add absolutely nothing. Red pen time. |
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