»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
once again we
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
once again we |
|
|
carolinabeen Member
since 2006-12-12
Posts 69 |
i'd rather smile than here it hurts because it's nowhere a nice piece of glass turned into a small chuck why again do you look so good sober remind me find me benign one simple me so I took you so wrong for so long blame me they play i'd rather skip school i'd rather have her than you blame me try to take me i miss his legs always once why do I look sober mebbe it's the Eagles mebbe I know kerosene maybe it just might be needed now some dumb wumb said he had a bike and tried mad and made it back as fast and slow as they asked and begged sober so i took you so long and wondered they play pianos in the wind children just have to know hafatheredha la, open c- think some dumb bike got me as if i tried mebbe it's the wings the dove as fast and though i know i'd rather smile knowing it's hard mebbe too quick wouldn't it be nice for just one second just to know and i long head-on J.L.Koehler -- Jeremey |
||
| © Copyright 2007 carolinabeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Mystress May Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 296Taunton, MA |
Alright... so there are parts of this that I really, really love..... and there are parts of this that I really don't like at all. The beginning is amazing. I love it. Then the 'mebbes' start. If you changed that to 'maybe' it would feel better to me. But that is a small thing to me. The thing that really bothers me is how nonsensical it gets. Don't get me wrong.... I get extremely nonsensical in some of my poems... and in day to day life, as well. But, again, I am just giving my personal opinions. The 'non' words added to it frustrate me. The phrases themselves don't bother me because I do that, myself and understand why you're doing it. Sometimes it supports the feeling that you're trying to get across. But the 'non' words throw everything off and defeat the purpose. The poem itself is great. I hope you are not offended by my opinions (you do not state whether you are open to constructive critisism in you profile) ~~~May~~~ Our scars are the foundation for what we have become |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
