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Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

0 posted 2007-10-09 10:26 AM

I'm not sure about the end, let me know if you guys think it ends too soon or just doesn't feel right.

PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME

Please God don’t leave me!

               I stood in the darkest corner of my lawn

As always trying not to be seen by those that wander the streets at night

I heard the cries before I saw the woman

                                      A lone man was making haste towards what he would consider
                                      His freedom

A woman close behind blinded by her tears staggers in his wake

Pleading over and over not to go

                                             Pleading for him to stay with her

For better or for worse

                                 Please don’t go

Please don’t leave me

                        Please oh God please

I’ll do anything you want

                                              I’ll buy you anything you want

I stood in the shadows watching with distaste

                       Distaste more for myself

Than for her hollow pleas

                As they past I could see his empty soul

Feel the love as it drained out onto the street

                   I watched as she battled in vain to keep the man that no longer loved her

I watched as they both ignored the boy that remained behind them both

She didn’t care for his safety

                             Paying him no attention as she begged for salvation

His small voice crying into the coming night for his mother to come back home

                     Cars passed close by

So close the child staggered back in sudden amazement at just how far into the road they had gone

Once again he runs for his mothers leg

                                                     Once again she ignores him

On they go down the road as her begging increases

                                                 On they go as her son becomes that much more a man

A man before his time

                                 Standing defiant he tells her to stop her crying

Indifferent to his age she tells him to keep quiet

               So young

Yet with a mother younger than himself

                           So uncaring of her child will she make a display of herself to all around

So uncaring of her child would she put a man before him

                                      So selfish

So lost

          So sad

So sad for the child

Abbeon
Member

since 2006-11-30

Posts 228
Curiousity, and wonder

1 posted 2007-10-09 03:10 PM

Wow that was a powerful poem. your right something is missing in the ending.

still your writting is amazing.

Abbeon

The world behind these thoughtful eyes, caution may seem crazy.

nicole leigh
Junior Member

since 2007-09-19

Posts 44
Eau Clair Wisconson

2 posted 2007-10-09 03:24 PM

this is a rly good poem it could be a song i luv writtin songs u?????

NIKKI

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

3 posted 2007-10-10 01:32 AM

Abbeon.

Thanks for the input, I'm still trying to find the end on this one, I saw all those related to this poem several weeks later walking hand in hand... kind of sad really, still it left me searching for the right end.

nicole leigh.

Thank you for replying.

I have never written music... who knows maybe one day... glad you liked it.

ladylisa
Member

since 2007-04-29

Posts 342
Florida USA

4 posted 2007-10-10 10:59 AM

How well you have put into words feelings that I have shared myself. This is brilliant, it reminded me of the pain but also the reason that I am such a strong woman today. Thank You!!!!!!

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

5 posted 2007-10-11 12:11 PM

You are very welcome ladylisa I'm glad you liked it.

Angel101¢¾!
Junior Member

since 2007-10-21

Posts 48
Lost in pain

6 posted 2007-10-26 07:35 PM

Wow i love it ur such a good writer! where in oregon do you live? I live in albany. UR write ur poem does need somin @ the end but dont let anyone tell u wat it should b u r the writer and u should only write wat feels right

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

7 posted 2007-10-26 08:25 PM

Thanks Angel.

I will think of a different ending or slight add on sometime over the weekend, while I do take all and any comments and suggestions I always leave it up to my imagination to do the writing for me.

I'm in Portland by the way.

Mystress May
Member

since 2007-10-25

Posts 296
Taunton, MA

8 posted 2007-10-26 08:47 PM

Well, I love your writing.... it truly draws me in! Yes, I agree that something is missing at the end. You say that you saw them hand in hand afterwards? From the things I've seen in that kind of relationship, it will be like that for a few weeks, maybe a couple months before it reverts back to the way it was and then worse. Just my personal observations. She is a pathetic woman, the subject. Though I'm sure something happened in her past to make her so pathetic. Makes me sad, actually. I truly enjoy your writing though!

~~~MM~~~

Our scars are the foundation for what we have become

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

9 posted 2007-10-26 09:18 PM

Thank you Mystress May.

Those two kept up their little love hate... thing right up to the day I moved away.

I can only guess they are still doing.

The only one that really suffers is her son, and what kind of a man shall he become?

Very sad.

Verg
Member

since 2007-10-25

Posts 52
Colorado

10 posted 2007-10-26 10:09 PM

Ok well I'm not sure if this ending is any good, but here is what I came up with...

So sad, So abandoned, So confusing...For the child. I dunno it's just a suggestion.
Let me know what you think.ML

Verg
Member

since 2007-10-25

Posts 52
Colorado

11 posted 2007-10-26 10:09 PM

Other than that i loved it

Seeker72
Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 387
Oregon USA

12 posted 2007-10-26 10:16 PM

Thats not bad Verg, it's along the lines of something I would use.

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