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Dark Poetry #4
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Open Eyes
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Open Eyes |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Open eyes that stare at the sun Cold fingers enclosing a gun Whispers hidden behind closed doors Waves beating along sandy shores Another breath; don’t close you’re eyes Teardrops falling from the skies Puddles of red on the living room floor Living with misery and only getting more Smiling faces in a glass frame Cursing a stone with a loved ones last name Bruises hidden under a sweater Everybody laughing saying things will get better Locked inside a little box full of doubt Little bird won’t sing with it’s tong cut out Knowing that the bad guys already won ...tipping her head back she takes one last look at the sun ~Should the truth be so buried |
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| © Copyright 2007 Kira Aso - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BrittanyJ Member
since 2007-06-03
Posts 461Come find me? |
"Bruises hidden under a sweater Everybody laughing saying things will get better" Wow, i love this!! It's so deep...and the flow was just amazingly perfect  Wonderful write!!So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart. |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Thank you Brittany I'm happy that you thought so. ~Should the truth be so buried |
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littlefairy Member
since 2007-08-06
Posts 51New York |
I liked this . I hope that the girl realized after she looked at the sun that she could fight back. That she could live. Good job. -Tara |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Hello Tara, I hope that she realized she could too. ~Should the truth be so buried |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
Wicked poem. Quality read. |
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blue face Member
since 2007-06-03
Posts 92 |
very nice and exellent work on this poem but I think the ryming was kind of forced but other then that it was great hope to read more. sarah |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
One thing you need to look out for is this... "Another breath; don’t close you’re eyes" You're - you are as apposed to your. An easy thing to mix up if that is what you did. As for the forced rhyming... I can see that in places but over all the nuggets like "Bruises hidden under a sweater Everybody laughing saying things will get better" keeps anything forced within the boundaries, making it an over all good read. If anything maybe cleaning up a few words, that might make it feel less forced. These are just my 2 cents. "Waves beating along sandy shores" Maybe change "along" to against, in my opinion it creates more of an anger statement, being beaten/shores beating against. "Cursing a stone with a loved ones last name" Remove "last" it seems to flow smoother. "Locked inside a little box full of doubt" Same as above remove "little" and the line flows much better. Just my personal thoughts....I personally liked it but I'm not a rhyming poet as you might have guessed so maybe I am wrong. :-) |
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Twilight Warrior Member
since 2007-02-22
Posts 106The World That Never Was |
Very good, i've always liked your work. "One last drink and the bottle breaks, returning us to the dust from whence we came" |
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moondogz Member
since 2007-05-01
Posts 397Great White North |
awesome poem...just have a suggestion about the rythm..Cursing a stone with a loved ones last name I think it would flow better by removing the word "last" from that sentence. ..otherwise I love it. |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
This really hit home with me it reminds me of my mom and my step-it it really saddens me deeply and lights a fire of boiling rage all at once very good write though I really enjoyed it. |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I fully understand this poem. The safety comfort-zone seems to stand in the way sometimes. The solution is to Just do it. Craig just to be happy... |
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