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Dark Poetry #4

For Theresa ...

sisterlynx
New Member

since 2007-01-17

Posts 7

0 posted 2007-01-17 05:27 AM

    That ravaged body, holds you within
      Tethered, lying in puddles of cancer.


          Eyes clinging to shadows,
                Life dripping away


                  Waves of pain
                  Arms reaching


                 Fingers clawing,
               At the face of death


       This stifling reality,so undeserving
      Your soul, forever radial and serene.


             Peace will find you soon.

trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

1 posted 2007-01-18 08:22 PM

The first two lines are the most powerful in the whole poem. I really think they're a poem all by themselves.

Humble suggesion: I'd take out the comma after body. In fact, why not do away with the whole "holds you within" part, and let the "tethered" take care of that concept, driving straight into the puddles of cancer line, which, by the way, is an incredibly compelling line.

I am an american aquarium drinker. I assassin down the avenue.

Idontmindyouundermyskin
Junior Member

since 2007-01-29

Posts 32

2 posted 2007-01-29 10:51 PM

I like it alot. Very close to my heart.

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