»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
Gun Fun
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
Gun Fun |
|
|
Fairplay Member
since 2007-01-15
Posts 222England |
In with a bang Excuse the pun Topic I choose About a gun It spells danger It can be fun Here’s my bit Before I run Take out the gun Or if you can Leave the gun Take out the man The man can run Without the gun The guns no fun Without the man Now if you’re lost Just count the cost This is a game No fun no pain This is your right Put up a fight Win or loose Who can choose |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Eric Lance Davies - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Ryme was cool thogh the secon stanza totally lost me.... but great fun to read  and WELCOME TO PASSIONS nice first post hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
||
|
ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Interesting analysis of the entire nature of the human attitude in relation to power. Take out the gun Or if you can Leave the gun Take out the man The man can run Without the gun The guns no fun Without the man Do not understand why the last two lines are not reversed to keep the rhyming style of the first stanza although because of content wording this may then be better split. I also think you could have emphasised your change to couplets and added more strength to the piece by rearranging and separating these final four couplets: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In with a bang Excuse the pun Topic I choose About a gun It spells danger It can be fun Here’s my bit Before I run Take out the gun Or if you can Leave the gun Take out the man The man can run Without the gun Without the man The guns no fun This is a game No fun no pain This is your right Put up a fight Win or loose Who can choose Now if you’re lost Just count the cost! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Obviously just my personal preference for presentation and as the poet it is your's that is important, but I thought I'd put a slightly different slant on this..... Now where's that gun, Ivor The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. |
||
|
Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Not to seem rude, but I want the thirty seconds it took to read that back. |
||
|
ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Fairplay, Sorry I forgot to say that I enjoyed this piece immensely, it is these short snappy quips that go into the relationship of power, war and survival, love hate and pain that can be easly missed by a casual non-understanding glance. Poetry, like food, should be examined closely and digested slowly if you wish to get maximum benefit from it. Too easy to gulp your food without tasting! Namaste, Ivor The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. |
||
|
trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
Fairplay, I would love some insight into your purpose behind this -- it could be just fun, but if there's more intent, you might be able to squeeze more out of this. Would you tell us more about the inspiration here? |
||
|
Fairplay Member
since 2007-01-15
Posts 222England |
Hunnie Thanks for your welcome, It was just my thought on dark poetry... The second stanza is kind of refering to the fact you may be able to take the gun away from the man but not the man away from the gun..... For all those people with mad ideas that the destruction of weapons meaning everyone becomes instantly nice... Err does that mean I support capital punishment ??? Hi Ivor It's nice to have an expert look at my stuff, You will of course realize how fast I write these things.... glad you understand them just as quick.... Hi Russell There is no accounting for taste.... If I could give you your thirty seconds back I would... but at least you may have learned that fools rush in where others stop and digest. Hi Trebuchet My intent was dark poetry and my thoughts about the Gun topic in short snappy verse Eric |
||
|
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Okay yea I reread it again and it was easier to understand I guess now that I knew the jist of it... Hope to read more soon. hunnie P.S Dark Poetry is the best!!!! ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
||
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
First... WELCOME TO PASSIONS IN POETRY!!! The most awesome poetry site on the net!!!! (Okay, I could be exaggerating just a tiny bit) I really liked the way this poem flowed. The end sorta threw me off but like hunnie I read it over again and it made more sense. Hope you enjoy PIP as much as I do! Lots of luff Kira |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
