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Dark Poetry #4

Cold-blooded thief

Mr. Omniscient
Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 134

0 posted 2006-10-31 07:11 AM

Cold blooded thief

Speeding through the hall hearing his laughter,
He had my treasure which I was after.
His foul aspirations that could cause only a disaster;
The thought made me run faster.
The evil master,

I caught him around the corner seeing his wretched, cursed, decrepit face under his dark hood…
If I could explain more, I would.
He probably is thinking “could I…? Would I…? Should I?”
He could crush my dreams in his palms with ease,
He says “ If you dare, It’ll still be defeat.”
Well I guess it’s time to thrust this demon killing blade into his cold blooded heart before he decides to flee,
And see this fee he places onto me…

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-31 05:19 PM

decrepit like face under his dark hood…

Take out the like it just softens the impact. Let the face be descrepit the stronger the image

Mr. Omniscient
Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2006-10-31 05:41 PM

Thanks for the input. Now that I've been here for a while I've found my stronger point. Thank you.

[This message has been edited by Mr. Omniscient (10-31-2006 06:18 PM).]

Angel4aKing
Senior Member

since 2006-09-27

Posts 1372
USA

3 posted 2006-10-31 09:58 PM

I second that.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-11-01 12:13 PM

very gripping yes you have found your srong area. the begging was amazing and you know the end was very good too... hope to read more soon and tx for sharing.
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

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