»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
Miscommunicated Melody
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
Miscommunicated Melody |
|
|
Mad_Hatter Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 393Canada |
We drew a line tonight But it was dotted We fled through the cracks And we were spotted I’m just a… We really wore the world On our shoulders We hit that solid ground And we were boulders I’m just a… Sit down and talk to me Lungs vibrating and walk with me Put down your cigarette Sit down and sulk at me If we can’t go for another mile Sit down and smile We crossed an x tonight And it was epic I’m getting oh so bored And we were narcoleptic I’m just a… We stitched a rag tonight To wipe our eyes She was a vixen hydra We believed the lies I’m just a… Sit down and talk to me Lung vibrating and walk with me Put down your cigarette Sit down and sulk at me If we can’t for another mile Sit down and smile Repeat, repeat Repeat, repeat, repeat Give me a timely retreat Repeat, repeat Repeat, repeat, repeat Give me your eyes…defeat… I’m just a man… |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
intresting poem, but i think the last stanza was a bit much, and i thing the refrain was said to often, but i liked it...maybe a revision? "So what befalls the flawless? |
||
|
Mad_Hatter Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 393Canada |
yeah I dont really like the ending either...I think taking it out will benefit the poem. |
||
|
mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
We hit that solid ground And we were boulders I’m just a… This kept bringing me back during the read. Nice. poe If nothing is something |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
