»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
Winter Garden
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
Winter Garden |
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
http://www.artnet.com/Images/magazine/reviews/karlins/karlins11-10-05-3.jpg Winter Garden So what shall I be for you this time, Vincent, in this colourless season; the ghost of your brother wearing your father’s grief, your disappointments and failures lumpy as coal in your bin of self-pity? Pose me, if you like, as a floundering vicar in drag or inky freudian slips, drab and dreary on the crooked path and I shall swoon with your brooding anger and shake my fist at mother church and your other demons. Oh, the drama of it all to be the model for your sorrows, veiled in the mantilla of mystery and madness. losing time confined to pencil scrawls ink blot splotches tortured shapes familiar ground the clock’s unwound colours faded without the pigment and night draws down Vicar in vestments, a widow in weeds, Christ in the garden of Gethsemane, a wounded child cowering in his only solace that offers no comfort or warmth? [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (10-13-2006 03:01 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2006 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Hey Jennifer- First, I have been doing some research on the etching I was working on, and you were right. It helps a lot. So, I'll repost something totally different later on. thanks for the help. This is a a pretty tight little piece. (Punctuation and grammar beautiful) - I like the last stanza the best. It was the first place that you really got my attention. I do have a few issues though: -desolate season -shrouded in darkness -winter's landscape -tortured shapes -crumbling monolith These are kinda tired. Can we do something less blah? Good start though. If you get a chance to read the repost. I'll be up in the next couple of days. CS |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, CS. Yep, I totally agree with you, need to get to rid of some of the blah. S1 and S 2 are contrived, totally fake, predictable and don't work for me at all now that I look at them again. Ugh! Doing the three voices kind of fried my brain. Much more of a challenge than I'd imagined. Had to let it go for a while. I'll look for the revisions on yours and let you know when mine are up.  [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (10-12-2006 03:40 PM).] |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jen I actually thought the opening sentence was ok. Not startling I’ll agree, but nevertheless nicely paced and pleasing. L4-8 on the other hand started badly with “shrouded in darkness” and you have too many “-ess” sounds close together, especially with “leafless” in S2. Besides which “sorrowfulness” is a bit of a mouthful, no? Why not just “sorrow”? “Etched” was good. S2, and the different voice was emphasised by the very sudden move into a strict trochaic meter. I thought the hard “t” sounds worked well too. If anything’s wrong it’s a tendency to over modification. Is there a single noun in that strophe that isn’t modified!? (Assuming “twig” is used as a verb). If I had to choose I think I’d lose “moldering” and “winter”. After all the blackbirds are self-evidently winter ones, and in any event, removing winter makes the close of that strophe more stark somehow. Liked S3. “Widow in weeds” was brilliant. “Dark” is redundant imo. Pretty good job. And this, grrrr, is absolutely the last time I shall crit you in this forum. This should have been in CA! Tskkk shame on you  .Best. M |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
MB, as always, you're too kind. Thank you. Yep, too many modifiers and too much drama. I'm going to stop trying so hard and just be me. S1 is revised, not brilliant but less predictable (I hope) than the original. |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
YES JENNIFER- I may not know much, but that was a huge jump in quality. (At least for me.) I love opening the piece with a question. Totally wonderful! ---This is not a fluff post - just much enjoyed Cool, CS PS I don't think that you need "unfathomable" in line 12. The sarcasm coming through slant the words "God" and "demons." Just a thought. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, CS, glad you like it. Feel better about it myself. Will work on revising S 2 and 3 a little later. Just can't let go of those modifiers, bit of a drama queen myself, I guess. How's your poem coming along? |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Eh not bad - I'm trying to decide if I want to go a mathmatical way with it, or somewhat more sarcastic. It's going to be more of a start-over than a rewrite. You know how it goes. I agree with M, you should post this in CA - you may get a few ideas. Great work. CS |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
CS - Check out this site if you haven’t already, might give a direction to take: http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/durr/hod_43.106.1.htm I’d be a bit cautious about using too much of the numerology and symbols thing, you might lose your reader’s interest. A few references linking it to the topic would be the way I’d go with it. As for sarcasm, not quite sure what you mean by that considering the topic. Anyway, thanks for introducing me to Durer and best of luck on your re-write. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
