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Digital_Hell
Member

since 2006-06-05

Posts 202
Amidst black roses

0 posted 2006-07-30 09:53 AM

bear with me please

And please tell me where it needs to be worked on. If i just get a "Great write" i think ill scream!

Life but a passing game
Remaining unknown or acquiring fame
Nothing but a passing show
death our sweet mistress guiding beyond and saying go

As a candle wiht its light snuffed out
We descend to eternal night

A long delayed end too so called life
Nothing more trully than a joke filled with strife
Now the truth at last you can see
This world to be the end of me

As the deadly sweet siren sings
We shall rise on broken wings
And to where our way we shall make
None can say, for we abandon fate

So in a world of such pain
We hide our tears in the sweet rain
Standing in a wild storm
So none can see us hurt, broken and torn

But rise from this in our own dark light
In pain, love and darkness our own strangely beautifull dark sight

In an empty place
The dark acid tears streaking our face
Alone in our sweet love
For us there is no pure white dove

Abandoned and alone we lie broken but with another
a shared pain, a true friend, a lover
As fallen angels share a kiss
Descend into eternal dark bliss

With bleeding hearts and broken dreams
Leave this place of empty screams
To walk hand in hand
And never follow footsteps in the sand

To fly free into the sky
Never again wonder why
Our own path we must make
Before it is too late

hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here
shall we go?
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Will you walk with me?

[This message has been edited by Digital_Hell (07-30-2006 10:26 AM).]

Philmont
Member

since 2004-01-10

Posts 61

1 posted 2006-07-30 09:33 PM

Kay, I think you should first make sure you check the spelling of your poem. I loved the cynical take on ambition in this poem (first stanza) but your spelling really took away a lot of the appeal this had for me.

The biggest example of what I'm saying is the line that goes
"A long delayed end too so called life".
too means also, not "to" as in an "end to life." The "too" is too confusing! haha.

Also, I don't quite get this stanza:

As the deadly sweet siren sings
We shall rise on broken wings
And to where our way we shall make
None can say, for we abandon fate

You say that we're drawn away from life (you add a bit of Ancient Greek style allure here with the sirens, and maybe a bit of Daedalus too) but then you say we abandon fate?  I thought fate was inevitable.  Maybe you should say "None can say, fate will decide"?  Besides, fate will decide is a bit more in jive with the Greek/Roman stuff because of the Fates, know what I mean?

Finaly, your line lengths are a bit jagged.  Maybe that's just me, I mean you know I like to keep mine straight an all, right

Hope this is better than "Great write"

Cool write man!  Had to say it

Digital_Hell
Member

since 2006-06-05

Posts 202
Amidst black roses

2 posted 2006-07-31 02:18 PM

I apologise for my spelling. Ill look into it. But please pardon the mistakes i do make, english isnt my first language and i also write spontaneously... But its something ill look at as needing improvement.

quote:
I thought fate was inevitable. Maybe you should say "None can say, fate will decide"? Besides, fate will decide is a bit more in jive with the Greek/Roman stuff because of the Fates, know what I mean?

Ah but i dont believe in fate... So although i drew a bit on greek mythology here, I do not believe in the concept of fate, of destiny.

I must thank you for the idea of the fates though, they will tie in nicely with someting im thinking of writing.

the line lentgh is going to keep on being jagged sorry. To each his own. And thank you for the insightfull views, its much better than simply being flattered. (Though i dont mind this) I was starting to think that i would have to stand over people with a sword in order to get some critique.

hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here
shall we go?
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Will you walk with me?

Bobomo
Junior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 35

3 posted 2006-08-03 05:19 PM

Great Write!

=)

Seriously though, I love the way you combine pain and darkness with acceptance. For english being a second language you do an amazing job at using it as a creative tool. English is my first language and my spelling is absolutely horrible, I have to write my poems in word just for the spell check!

Jagged lines are jagged lines, you want them you write them. Though as a peronal preference if the lines are going to be "jagged" I think the second line should be longer than the first. I feel that if the second line is shorter it can leave the writer "wanting" but that is just my preference.

Great job, thanks for posting it!!

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