Can You Stand Alone(working title)

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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2006-04-22 12:51 PM

I still ache
from the brand you etched into my life
   and you sit by    uncaring
almost entertained   knowing i want you back
enjoying the control you have over my life and not your own
I've always wondered if that from your anger
   the stuff you let build up inside waiting to erupt from you with torrential force
    or your inability to stand on your own.
what did i ever do to you?
  to be brushed aside so abruptly
swept under the rug like an insignificant piece of dust?
   I surrender my love
   I surrender on you.
I surrender     because you care for nothing
but yourself
Treading on others in disregard
  I leave you to wallow    in the dark
as you've left me for so many little grains in time
  I leave you in emptiness
to know that the one person
  the unconditional love i have
has extinguished as a star snuffed and streaking dead through the night sky
  to burn in eternity    beyond your reach
     beyond the gnawing

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

[This message has been edited by Kaos (04-23-2006 11:14 PM).]

niere
Member

since 2006-04-23

Posts 77

1 posted 2006-04-23 05:04 PM

i hate people who get pleasure from other peoples pain and misery. it sickens me - but to get to the point - this poem was so good and it had a really good flow. the image of the star was cool.
i love the disjointed feel to it to...
oh and i think the title fits.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

2 posted 2006-04-23 06:47 PM

I think that title suits the poem well. *S* Excellent write!

I'm curious, though... was the spelling of gnawing in the last line a typo? *S*

greysolace
Member

since 2006-03-27

Posts 71

3 posted 2006-04-24 04:40 PM

im likin the deeper sense here. brings back memories...awesome descriptions. really plays on the darker parts of the heart and mind...

~~Poetry is written emotion~~
greysolace

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

4 posted 2006-04-24 07:52 PM

Thank you for the comments... i've had a bit of writers block here lately mixed with a busy schedule and i was happy to have a chance to sit down and write, it's good to know others are enjoying it

suthern- oops... how'd that get there lol definately a tpyo... at least i hope i'm not losing brain cells at that rate lol i'll never get through college

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

5 posted 2006-05-01 09:23 PM

First off.. I loved this piece of yours.. it has now became my 2nd favorite by you..

I love how you put details in your words and how you use one thing to relate to another.. it's beautiful.. 1 question.... where do you get the form of your poetry.. I've never before seen something written like this.. is it your own type of form? just wondering.. either way.. I think it adds a lot to your poetry by how you set it up.. so no fault there at all..

the title? I like it, but I feel like it could be... a little more into the poem.. to me.. it describes the poem but I received a different feeling when I read it.. the title didn't match my mood, I guess you could say.. but that's just me.. either way.. I just wanted to let you know.. when I first starting reading your poetry.. the first few I read weren't my favorite so I didn't read much of yours.. but lately.. I believe that you have written some awesome stuff.. Keep up the good work.. and I hope to hear more from you soon..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

6 posted 2006-05-01 11:00 PM

thats GREAT!!!
i can actually see the picture in my head
awesome job <3

~nora

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong </3 llx - Panic!At The Disco!

rockbabe
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 105

7 posted 2006-05-03 09:22 AM

I have not been in this forum long but ever since I have started writing hear , Reading your work as always left me in aww....it is amazing the way you write, and the things you write about. Lots of feeling . I loved it..
R

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