Conscious Numb (or) Powerline

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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2006-02-13 08:09 PM

As i fade into a limbo
  conscious     but sleeping
      (or is this considered numb)
my brain is invaded by all all that is you
your scent climbs my nostrils and soothes my inhibitions
  a beautiful simper upon an angelic face
lips so soft      longing
  to feel them against mine
the gentle love you offer
     that i yearn to feel in my heart
i yearn to feel     swelter my heart from within
and to project a brilliant aura    into my life
   I desire to put spark back
into the now lack of electricity   the powerline i inhabit     had stripped from it's path
    (if i'm worth the shot in the dark)
Left   whirling in this state of insecurity
     afraid of denial
petrified    of shutting down to a negative response
    yet driven like a blizzard
the need to know is howling around me
   at hurricane forces   demolishing my defenses
And carrying my whispers of love into earshot
        of you
And through the debris of my life
  a faint glimpse befalls my sore eyes
a gentle purse of lips   extended in a stretch to joy    as goosebumps multiply across my body
  i melt

* Hello again everyone.  Obviously the first order of business is my lack of ability to pick a title lol i go through this alot, so any input would be appreciated.  The other thing i could use a hand on is the ending, i almost feel like it's too abrupt, but at the same time it's very direct... any thoughts? Anyway, thank you guys for any help you can offer and i'll see you in the forums

Thanks
Mike

Life is a torment and torment an enigma. So burn the shackles of slavery and let love run free
-i wrote it somewhere in time

[This message has been edited by Kaos (02-15-2006 03:54 PM).]

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

1 posted 2006-02-13 09:23 PM

Maybe "Juice Red"

and end it with "drips..."

NIce.

-GIS

So what if my wings are too scratched, cut, and beat up to fly... I'll walk.

deadkiss
Junior Member

since 2006-02-11

Posts 31
washington

2 posted 2006-02-14 08:01 PM

"i melt" softly into you? perhaps for an ending. i think there was a misprint in one part where you meant to say whishper but wrote shisper or something. for a title maybe the crushing of defenses? just look at what you think the poem is expressing, and think of how you can say it in a few words or something i guess.

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