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Air
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Air |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York 
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Chest, cracked and bleeding, skull, peeled and seething. My innards exposed. Salt settles into my blood and my bones . . . I ask of you: Would you love me then? Still? If I, exposed myself to the elements as this, for eternity. So you can see all of me. Without this shell, or the sight of me? If you just had to love my soul, Would you? [This message has been edited by littlewing (09-16-2004 11:27 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Sue Eckam - All Rights Reserved | |||
muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
i'd hope the answer was screamed "YES"... this aches, it bleeds |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
That would be a yes, you know that already. *grin* |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
Ah ha! a question every woman should ask her man! Great idea... I like =). oh and by the way, I say YES tooooooo! - River "Stained by the sun, I can see colors...colors of mercy washing over me." - 3 Minutes From Home |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This was extremely good writing, except for the wording in one part. I'll get to that in a moment. The imagery of the innards being exposed and the grotesque unskinned body underneath is skillfully drawn. In a social sense, I believe you are pointing toward the act of opening the self up and being honest no matter who you're dealing with for the sake of a single person. Wow, there's a lot of other areas where this could be applied. But your wording here: "or thine eyes of kohl to gaze upon?" is a little odd. Why are the eyes those of the one being addressed? Perhaps you could explain this? On the whole, though, a good poem that I shall add to my library. 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Wow. This is so great. I love how you write. And this one...this is one is amazing. Hollow. I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - Gary Jules, Mad World. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Know what I would do? Paint your front teeth black, drool a bit, and be "really human" in front of him, and if he turns to you and gives you a great big Yeti hug I would say you have got yourself the answer. Of course silly, the answer is yes, as it is the soul of you that makes you who you are, and that is precious! |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Your beginning to crack that second layer lw. The ending here was the only thing in your mind while writing this. Great build-up and follow thru here. Outstanding write. wayne If nothing is something |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
Would you love me then? Still? If I, exposed myself to the elements as this, for eternity. absolutely brilliant i love your writing its so different and complex, but still i understand fully. LOR put your frustrations into four letter words - incubus |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
thank you everyone, so very much, I am trying to just write - find my niche, so to say.  |
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Mad_Hatter Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 393Canada |
painful. Very beautiful in a way i cannot quite explain. Nicely done friend, nicely done. |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I would have to say yes as well. For one thing it has been your soul that I have loved all along, and the other nothing else really matters. I don't remember who it was that was talking about opening yourself up, but I somewhat agree. And then the fact that the title is 'Air' makes it more convincing. -GIS He has made everything beautiful in its own time. -Ecclesiastes 3:11 |
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~K~ Member
since 2004-07-27
Posts 148 |
at least or at most this is hope infecting the truth Yes. We must join our voices as soon as possible!  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Mysteria you are too dang funny!  This is hypothetical, right? Maybe even rhetorical, right? Silly girl. Duh! Okay, I'll spell it out! Y-E-S!!! Oops, you weren't talking to me? If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
you guys are all nuts ahahha oops I forgot what forum I was in *smile* Thank you so much guys, I adore it in here and K check your e-mail. Larry? you are so sweet (is that for me or Sharon?lol) |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
To love the soul is the only true love. I loved this piece, poignant and precise. Billy 8) |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
yes...  beautiful wirte... Awake through motion with curiosity to curtain your first move |
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