Lonely Train (for poetry slam)

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Open Poetry #30

Lonely Train (for poetry slam)

iwontdrownagain
Junior Member

since 2003-10-04

Posts 39
Massachusetts

0 posted 2003-11-24 10:01 AM

I am having a poetry slam tomorrow in my Creative Writng class. Yay! We need 3 pieces to read, and here is one. Please tell me what you think! Thanks a lot!

Isn't it lonely sitting by yourself
On a train, hearing the rain
Drawing figures with your fingers
On the foggy glass of the passenger car?
Does it feel as lonely as not knowing
Anybody that sits around you
That talk about people you don't know?
The tears well up, holding back isn’t enough.
Don't mind the staring eyes
They don’t know what you feel.
The burning loneliness that kindles yearning
Hits your heart and there’s nothing you can do.
You can't do anything about it while you're waiting.
Waiting for the train to stop, to pull up and see your darling's face once again.
To be held in their arms,
To smell their scent,
To hear their voice say "I love you" once again.
But the long ride has just begun,
And your body trembles with pain.
You look at your watch and all you see
Are numbers, and they give you no comfort
From the heartache that that wrings out tears from your eyes.

"The green of your eyes
That you get from your father
Shows your personality,
Such a young girl with an equally
Young and foolish heart."
~Lynn M

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

1 posted 2003-11-24 10:13 AM

I like it

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

2 posted 2003-11-24 12:44 PM

Sound to me perfect for a slam - let us know on here how you made out, okay?

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2003-11-24 01:02 PM

you write "lonely" as well as I do

I think it's a good choice for the slam...good luck, let us know how it went

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

4 posted 2003-11-24 01:34 PM

i think for a slam this piece works well, i read it aloud a couple times and it seems fast paced and has goos internal rhyme, good luck!

"So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully now watch as it destroys me."

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