November Eyes (I need help with this one!)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Open Poetry #30

November Eyes (I need help with this one!)

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

0 posted 2003-11-30 11:29 PM

OK I just wrote this tonight and I just want to know if it makes sense as it is or should I rework something?

Shivering in the autumn air
Of one more November
He draws his coat around himself
As he begins to remember.
Crying in his heart
Yet a smile lights his face
Able to hide the pain he feels
Because tears leave no trace.
November's breeze blows--
Gentle one minute, the next, wild.
He is not alone
She's watching him, and then she smiled.
One month can contain so much
November is never tame
She lived through it once already with him
They'll never be the same.
He doesn't seem to notice her
But she's always by his side
Warming him from November's air
And feelings the tears he's cried.
Love and pain, tears and smiles
Secrets and truth and lies
All contained inside them
Reflected in their blue November eyes.

11-30-03

All Rights Reserved

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

Sparticus
Member

since 2003-11-15

Posts 245

1 posted 2003-11-30 11:37 PM

I like it, I think it might be more effective with the first person I insted of he. But that is only my humble opinion.

Good write.

Sparticus

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

2 posted 2003-12-01 03:46 AM

it's good the way it is I think

icebox
Member Elite

since 2003-05-03

Posts 4383
in the shadows

3 posted 2003-12-01 08:18 AM

I think it is a strong piece of work that easily stands on its own. It is always possible to edit any work; I sent you an example in email, but there is something to be said for the urgency of fresh writing.

Courage.

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

4 posted 2003-12-01 03:31 PM

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions! And thank you icebox for the email. I appreciate all your words!

~sky

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.