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Open Poetry #30
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"Perfect" -- Read this if you can...
| Open Poetry #30 |
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"Perfect" -- Read this if you can... |
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Singularity Junior Member
since 2004-01-16
Posts 10Sunny California |
Hey guys, I just got done writing this particular poem -- been working on it for about a week. It has a tremendous amount of meaning to me, and I plan on giving it to someone before she goes away to college in a few days. So, what I'm asking you all, is to critique this. But most of all, tell me how it makes you feel... I've never been all that great at literary expression, or especially at communicating my feelings -- but that's what I really need to do now. So yeah, just give it a read and let me know what you think. I want this to be my absolute best effort. And I think I'm gonna need all the help I can get ;-) ********************************** This time I think it could be perfect After what she did to me, I never thought I'd say that again. You have to understand How hard it was just to let you in. And even then I didn't realize it, I was completely in the dark. It must be that "effect" you have, That quietly stole my heart You showed me life and lived nothing less. I'll take my time your memory is bliss. I will never forget Our very first kiss. I thought that this would never end, Things were so clear but they fell through. High hopes of problems never failed, Thinking of the best. I could see that you were trying to get my attention, I should have succumbed to your courtesy; But I pushed it away, I didn't want to see what had to be. It's so much easier to hold on Than it is to let go. My fear of losing you Blinded me to how selfish I was This is the last goodbye I'll ever say to you. I've tried so hard and done my part, I did everything I could To keep things from falling apart. I know I tried too hard, I know I scared you, And I know that things Were never really "together" I should've given you more time, Do things at your own pace, Let you handle things on your own; Instead I rushed you and fell flat on my face And I'm so sorry that I made my troubles yours, I guess I can still regret, Cuz I'm hating myself for that I got way ahead of myself, I know that this is true... It must seem that I'm a crazy fool, But you should know that I'm a fool for you Maybe we were meant To see what's right, To get a taste of the good life, Just to feel what's right. It's just a shame that we're falling away now, That we're both going away now, To see what's out there; 'Cause you're all that's here for me. The thing that breaks my heart Is that you're not only losing me, We're losing what's in store; Losing what was almost meant to be Even though we're being forced apart, I'll always be there for you; 'Cause I don't wanna be Just a memory to you. It's just like in that song: "We'll be miles apart, I'll keep you deep inside; You're always in my heart." When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes. The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight. Yet you're so above me and I cannot fly, To the angel above me I long to be with This time I thought it could be perfect |
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| © Copyright 2004 KC Nystrom - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on your first posting! i really liked this part,it think it contains the whole poem in a nutshell: "The thing that breaks my heart Is that you're not only losing me, We're losing what's in store; Losing what was almost meant to be" |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Your heart speaks clearly here. It's nicely written. You recite the "mea culpa" showing your vulnerability. I noticed the present tense at the beginning and the past tense at the end .... "I think it could be perfect ...." and then "I thought ...." ... you suggest there is little chance? Well you know best. I especially like these lines: When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes. The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight. . Here you show how present she is. Love and welcome! Margherita  |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
The way your words flow keeps you up to date on where you have gone with your feelings,,,this is good. I feel that you have gotten your point accross to your lady in this work, and, I don't think that when she reads it, no matter where you guys go,,,,that you will be a mere memeory. Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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Singularity Junior Member
since 2004-01-16
Posts 10Sunny California |
"I noticed the present tense at the beginning and the past tense at the end .... "I think it could be perfect ...." and then "I thought ...." ... you suggest there is little chance?" Hmm...yeah, I think I'm gonna change that last line so that it remains in the present tense. Just sounds like I feel TOTALLY hopeless the way I've got it. Thanks for pointing that out |
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richard taylor Member
since 2004-01-13
Posts 136 |
Hi, The second stansa is the best part but you don't need the "it" at the end of line one I think it reads much better. [And even then I didn't realize I was completely in the dark, It must be that "effect" you have That quietly stole my heart.] regards Richard. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You make this poem sound as if it should last a lifetime. In that regard, one little "nit" to pick... for longevity... Spell out your words. Not "cuz" or "'cause". Spell them out. Make this perfect in English and grammar, as well as perfect in stating your feelings, and you will definitely have a  ! |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Singularity Welcome and a lovely write. I think the rest is up to her. |
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