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Kristin Eve
Member

since 2004-01-13

Posts 89
On, Canada

0 posted 2004-01-14 11:23 PM

Lloyd and I went,
one saturday night to see
his friend
sing folk at a local

You and I
(once 'us'...not long ago)
had just cut ties
and i wasn't ready yet
to pretend i didn't miss you

The two-man-band sang only songs
flavoured with love and broken hearts
and i
started to cry
a little
when she broke out in a bittersweet rendition of the morning song.

An older man
whistled cat-calls
to lloyd's friend the singer.
His voice whistled
through the holes
in his gums
as he hit on her

the girl with the mic
asked the toothless man if
he was married
and-he-said-oh-yes-she's-the-louse-right-here
and he pointed to the round woman all smiles beside him.
(lloyd rolled his hazel eyes and winked at me)

When the hisses and the boos rang out
the old man apologized and said
he loved his wife...
that-she-was-his-umbrella.

i turned to Lloyd,
with tears on my lips
and told him
how much i thought
the haggard-toothless man
had redeemed himself
by saying
such a sweet thing

come-back-to-me-my-sweet-umbrella.

(I can't bear this rain anylonger)

"Who you are speaks so loudly...I can hardly hear what you are saying"

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

1 posted 2004-01-15 12:15 PM

This was funny and had a very sweet ending.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2004-01-15 01:27 AM

I like it.

I think it would work a lot better without the last two lines...they just tell. The rest shows and the implications are quite clear without you actively saying that the other of the lost 'us' is the umbrella.

Good work

K

Kristin Eve
Member

since 2004-01-13

Posts 89
On, Canada

3 posted 2004-01-15 01:33 AM

thanks Severn... I agree with you! I shouldn't be so blatant at the end of thie poem. i love the 'umbrella' idea... because this night actually happened, and I have written many different poems trying to express what this means to me. I have yet to succeed...
Your advice is much appreciated, and i thank you for your honesty.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

4 posted 2004-01-15 01:42 AM

You're very welcome....

I have moments like that myself...truth be told, I think you've succeeded quite well with this. I write emotions myself (often of loss) through the relaying of concrete images...it's not easy.

K

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

5 posted 2004-01-15 03:55 AM

cute...a good write

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

6 posted 2004-01-15 09:51 AM

Kristen,

As you know, I have become a fast fan...I am really enjoying your take on life...

I loved the poem, as is. I see the last two lines as the punch in the gut.

"sit on top of the world and tell me how you feel...'cause what you feel is what I feel for you.."
~Dido~

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

7 posted 2004-01-15 09:57 AM

Well Severn.. I disagree with you here.

I'd probably rework the last line into on and leave it a bit less obvious.. but I do think the reader needs to have a personal perspective put to the piece..and be led to the ending. What is obvious perhaps to you, is not to many... and I know the enjoyement of poetry is somewhat subjective if not totally subjective..so opinions are opinions..

now the poem I thought reads well and tells the story in a vein which leaves the reader wanting the next line so that they understand the weave of it all..

quite good in my opinion..

McLean
Member

since 2004-01-05

Posts 484
state of marital bliss

8 posted 2004-01-15 10:11 AM

Wow! This is so very stream-of-consciousness to me. I love this style writing. It moves quickly and smoothly.

I would love to be called an umbrella!

McLean

Kristin Eve
Member

since 2004-01-13

Posts 89
On, Canada

9 posted 2004-01-16 01:51 AM

I'm glad i've sparked a small debate over expression. All of your comments mean a lot to me... I am thankful I have found such a talented and supportive group of poets to share with. You all write so beautifully, and its flatering to receive such constructive criticism and flattery from you all!

"Who you are speaks so loudly...I can hardly hear what you are saying"

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