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James_A_Fraser
Senior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 972
Out Making Anticlines

0 posted 2004-01-05 08:29 PM

As You Go

so it feels,
like leaving life
with no white light
no rising corridor
no book
no fade to black
just back

back with only
wishful memory
back to what was
before I lived

oh I’m still here
stable
stabled
this will last
a long time yet

this breath
will last
and the next

a long time
with pauses

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-01-05 08:31 PM

I like this but with reservations....
this reads like an incomplete poem to me, like you didnt spend much time on it. I think this could be much better.

James_A_Fraser
Senior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 972
Out Making Anticlines

2 posted 2004-01-05 08:35 PM

You're right. It could be much much better.

~~J

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

3 posted 2004-01-05 08:42 PM

I know this too.....and it's right on the mark, just the way you are!!!

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

4 posted 2004-01-06 04:40 PM

back with only
wishful memory
back to what was
before I lived

Yes... it's like that. *S* It's one thing to spout platitudes of how it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved... until you find yourself in the shadowed half-life of after.

This excellent poem hurts to read... your pen is sword drawn straight from the heart.

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

5 posted 2004-01-06 05:38 PM

"a long time, with pauses"

ouch, I know this all too well. You've got it down. ~K~

mara marti
Junior Member

since 2003-06-15

Posts 10
Chicago, Illinois

6 posted 2004-01-06 06:42 PM

hello james this poem was really nice and i liked the way everything connected.its hard for me to understand poems completely or maybe even just a little bit but i know that every poem is a great poem as long as it comes from the heart -so what im saying is that i got a little confused with the feelings concerned in your poem-what exactly are the feelings represented?-just cause i dont understand completely doesnt mean your poem is bad its just that i dont get poems unless their simple words involved-but anyway i didnt want you to be affended-

good job and please get back to me on this-thank you take care-
MARA

alan6501
Member

since 2004-01-03

Posts 89
PA

7 posted 2004-01-07 11:51 AM

this breath
will last
and the next

a long time
with pauses

I love this part! Especially the "long time, with pauses" That is just too neat of a phrase. I just love the abstractness of it! Great Read!

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

8 posted 2004-01-07 11:53 AM

Came back to save it... ~K~

Ericc
Member Elite

since 2003-01-31

Posts 4178

9 posted 2004-01-07 12:00 PM

I really liked this James. I see perhaps why you may feel that this poem is incomplete...yet it that very quality (the "long time with pauses") that completes it. Great job!

Eric

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2004-01-07 12:48 PM

hauntingly beautiful

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