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Open Poetry #30
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Ricochet
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Ricochet |
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alan6501 Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 89PA |
Ricochet An inspiration above and beyond A thought ricochets through the air then ripples the pond Elastically woven to produce so much more. This presence shines through the dark and opens my door Pieces of a puzzle decorate every room Then are highlighted by the aura that shines from the moon Galaxies exist and everything's bright Heroes are falling while day becomes night Unaware of the future we ought to be Cause gashes of war to scar eternally Dosage of a medicine that's extremely strong Make our hands grasp the pen that writes this true song I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago. I was trying to show "constant motion" and the complexity of our world and the forces that are within it whether of sadness, power, happiness, and so on. Does that come across at all? Please be honest. I think it needs some work. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alan B. Stallsmith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I like this alot...imo w/o the last 2 stanza's, 5 & 6, the poem is much stronger. The last 2 just dont seem to fit to me...when I read it aloud and stop on S4 I think, excellent. It leaves just a little mystery hanging....if you don't want to stop on S4 just try working some more on S5/S6 and I'm sure you'll come up with something. Anyway, its very good, well done indead. |
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Terrina Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 166California |
Pieces of a puzzle decorate every room Then are highlighted by the aura that shines from the moon I love this. This is a great poem. |
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
I like it but you have a magic poem that needs to come alive and I feel you have a gift to make it something special. Dave Comments: An inspiration above and beyond Can I suggest take out the first line and maybe thoughts and inspiration richochet driving a pond to weave changing dark to a vision of light from my door. Dave I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago. I was trying to show "constant motion" and the complexity of our world and the forces that are within it whether of sadness, power, happiness, and so on. Does that come across at all? Please be honest. I think it needs some work. |
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
Sorry I forgot to delete your last words from my notes. It looks like me saying it under the Dave bit. |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
yes,,,you get your point accross quite well,,,,we are always looking to improve our words,,these,,are good as is Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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alan6501 Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 89PA |
Thanks for all of your thoughtful feedback! I think I'm going to keep it as is, though. Thanks for the advice, though! |
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