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Open Poetry #30

Binds Dance

DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

0 posted 2004-01-04 06:53 PM

Binds Dance is an outline of an idea

Please rip into it as much as you want

A welcome hall
The women circled
  Judging
  Nose of every girl
  Tonight it is the sparkle
  Tonight it is the whirl
  I looked into the hazel eyes
  Of the girl to nose
  And felt my feelings fall away
  As we nosed each other
  Then she took my hands to dance
  Around the circle
  Like deer we pranced
  Around my mind
  The circle
  As she showed me through and through
  Touching my hand to direct
  Me to the pattern as she expects
  Knowing nothing of the dance
  I did as I was told to advance
  Then she pressed both my hands
  I stopped to hold
  Our hands for the string
  To bind us
  My right and her left
  In life for that night
  Nothing we could do apart
  But only to learn to start

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-01-04 09:56 PM

I like it alot and thinks its very creative...there are a few weak lines like

"Of the girl to nose
And felt my feelings fall away
As we nosed each other"

I would cut.
A little more work on this, prehaps an stronger ending, and you've got a really excellent poem.

DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

2 posted 2004-01-05 12:30 PM

My problem is I feel there is something there and I really need to rework it.

I shouldn't by rights publish stuff that is isn't ready but the idea of tying a left and right arm together and making people dance seemed a good way to see if you could get on with each other.

Dave

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