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Open Poetry #30
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I REALLY NEED FEED BACK ON THIS ONE!!!
| Open Poetry #30 |
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I REALLY NEED FEED BACK ON THIS ONE!!! |
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serenities_blood Member
since 2003-12-21
Posts 56New Zealand |
I'm not sure what it is called but here is my base name Maybe, just Maybe. I was dark and upset And now I cannot pretend That a hero was sent for me In search for a reason But I turned away in pain Wilting with humiliation Bleeding before your ominous eyes Was I only dreaming of the fact you ever loved me? Was your falseness too blinding to see beyond its lies? If only my eyes had been clearer then If only I had the strength to refuse your breathless hate Why had I become such a fool to your eyes? Was I made to believe lies and slander? And why do I still dream of you? I know I will soon move on But I can’t imagine the weight releasing I can’t find a reason to want you gone Still I turn away at the attempts to let go Pain is surrounding me now I’ll let it engulf me Maybe, just maybe It will let me forget Or maybe, just maybe I’ll remember Remember the times when I felt peace When I was not only free, but felt it too I’ll smile foolishly as everything begins to dissolve I’ll stay in the world I once knew I’ll be who I thought I’d always be I’ll say goodbye to everything I want I’ll ignore everything I don’t But I’ll look at you I’ll look in you eyes Still bleeding But I’ll stare; I’ll stare straight through you I’ll make you hear what I hear Feel what I feel See what I see And maybe, just maybe You’ll join me in this world of forgiveness. Thanx and plez reply and give me feedbak xoxLORxox |
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| © Copyright 2003 Gina G. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poweranimals New Member
since 2003-12-22
Posts 3 |
That's pretty deep. Very well written too. |
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serenities_blood Member
since 2003-12-21
Posts 56New Zealand |
Thankyou very much I'm just going to read your poem Earth Angel. xoxLORxox |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It's good as it stands, but it could use some tightening of the language.... things like this "Was I only dreaming of the fact you ever loved me?" ...are you dreaming of the fact, or just dreaming? I don't think there's a fact in there.... "If only"....how about "If"? Stuff like that. Forty lines, see if you can cut a total of forty words -- I bet you can. On the way you may lose a few lines by combining, or you may not.... Oh, and on a personal note pleeeeze lose the magenta! Gawd I hate that color! When I see it I either skip the poem or highlight the whole thing so I can look at some other color.....which I did with this one! ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Maybe just maybe they will? Funny thing about forgiveness it takes a long time to hand it out, but we expect it quickly  ourselves I think anyway. Nicely done, and Happy Holidays to you.Happy Holidays |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
definitely made me think about things I liked the write here |
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Jes Member
since 2003-10-21
Posts 422Denmark |
How shall a heart tell a heart about how a heart feels, smile you told it wery well yaself. I know the questions you ask yaself inside, i have asked them myself, but if we are not allowed to try to seek even the better at any time, then we will give up and only fight the fog so that those arround us can live. But in the end there is one thing that counts alot, if you are not satiesfied, with your life then, you cant tell others how they should do smile. So always listen to your inside questions they come from your heart. I liked your words they ask questions, hope i gave a few answers smile. Jes |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
What is the old saying, "to err is human, but to forgive, divine." I hope he accepts his divinity! |
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