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Open Poetry #29
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Buried Dreams( Free Verse Attempt )
| Open Poetry #29 |
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Buried Dreams( Free Verse Attempt ) |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States 
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My first try at Free Verse except for one done in workshop some time ago. All comments on how I might improve and expand my knowledge of this style of writing will be appreciated. Buried Dreams By Paul Wilson Demons enter slumbers den Pounding noise in my brain... or is it the ticking of clock driving me insane Fighting visions in my mind sleep overcomes me Demons will prevail again I lose no contest Tonight Pandora’s box will open once more Unleashing Demons within Upon the hill rows of gray marble Sad reminder of dreams past Another dream put away Lock the box where they dwell Headstone marks it’s place on top of hill Fresh dirt reminder of buried dreams "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" [This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (10-24-2003 06:29 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Paul D. Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
This is your first attempt at it? its SO much better then mine! wow, yea, very good.. very... Love it! Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
I love your free verse, very enjoyed and well done! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
As a lover of free verse.. I must say this is very very well done Paul. Love to see more of this style from you.. but you rhyme so well too! Ooooh...just keep writing and posting.. so we can enjoy!!  ~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~ ~Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile~ |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Well done paul, well done. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
"Pictures of you forever in the shadows of my mind" Paul~ I am no critic nor do I play one on TV..This is how I judge poetry (in my head) if it has even a small part that makes my stomach give a little clinch of understanding..then it is an outstanding writing to me b/c it envokes feeling..and connects to the reader. Those lines I pulled above? Did that... Susan "if you won't let me fall for you |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
I haven’t known sadness as some… But write of it as thou…. ( I am no expert, but I would change the opening stanza, and really pull the reader in....the title is "Knowing sadness" but in your first line you say you dont know it--) With each tick of the clock Waiting… Waiting… For the ball to drop (why are you waiting for it to drop?) Tears fall without reason (reason and cause are pretty much the same word) Today heartache will open Pandora’s box (leave the tonight out, and take the 'S' off of today's as it brings more "openess to the reader to let their mind wonder) My heart weeps like a dove for companion lost never to return Upon the hill Rows of gray marble covered in fog Pictures of you forever in shadows ( try this with out "of my mind") Another dream put away lock the box where they dwell I haven’t known sadness as some but I’ve had my share of pain Like I said I am NO expert, at this....you have a great piece here.....and a feeling of sadness....I think sometimes leaving out the "simple" words helps to pull the reader into the poem make sense? Kindly, Lauren~ Will the wind ever remember the names |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
It is very clear to this reader, that you indeed have known sadness ~ and you conveyed that very convincingly. A sad, yet lovely, poem.  Linda |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
this is perfect Paul...it comes from your heart nothing to improve on as far as I can see |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Alyssa... Thanks for reading and your vote of confidence. I will keep on trying. Donna... Thank you very much. I'm finding it is alot harder in some ways than rhyme style. I appreciate you taking time to read and reply...Paul Nancy...Thanks for helping me get started in free verse. I only decided to try it after reading yours and others this past week. I did change it a good bit, including the title trying to draw the reader in more as Lauren suggested.Glad you enjoyed this...Paul Seymour...Thanks for your generous reply. I know there is room for improvment and with the kindness of people like you maybe someday I will be better at this style of writing...Paul Susan...Glad you liked the first draft of this. I changed it a good bit, trying to make it better. I Hope you still like the new version...Paul Lauren...Thanks for all the advise. I made quite a few changes in it, including the title which didn't quite fit what I wanted to say. I sent you an e mail also. Linda...Sadness has played a big part of my life. I try to write about it so I can deal with it in my own way. Thanks for giving this a read. I made some changes in it, hopefully for the better...Paul passing shadows...Thanks for taking time to read and reply. Yes it does come from my heart as you say. Sometime I just write to let it all out if you know what I mean...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) I am no critiquer and never will be (why I don't have a Encouraging Constructive Critique message) as I believe all honest poetry from ghe heart is good poetry, but I just wanted to say how this deeply touched me as I used to be a little boy shattered and worried my dreams would never come true and saw autumn as a graveyard! (big hugggsssssss) This is wonderful, sweet friend, God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Paul, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Noah... Thank you my friend for your touching reply. I hope this didn't dredge up bad memories. If it did I am truly sorry...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" |
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