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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

0 posted 2003-10-20 10:14 AM

scars cut as rivers
borderland of blood and bone
crawl where once you ran

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (10-20-2003 11:42 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-10-20 10:50 AM

This

is stark.

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

2 posted 2003-10-20 10:52 AM

you take the words, and make the reader feel...hugsss

Lauren~

Will the wind ever remember
the names it has blown in the past
with its crutch, its old age, and its
wisdom it whispers no this won't be the last

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

3 posted 2003-10-20 10:57 AM

stark indeed, but powerful and well done.

I would only suggest the use of run and ran be examined in context of yur overall intent.
perhaps out of form for you but the word "cut" in the first line might work and still retain your syllable count.

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

4 posted 2003-10-20 10:59 AM

"crawl where once you ran"

Yep...more than once...

Nice!

"if you won't let me fall for you
then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you"
~Dido~

KoKo
Senior Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 995
Inside the shadow's shadow

5 posted 2003-10-20 11:06 AM

Wow...can't find my words, sorry..

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

6 posted 2003-10-20 11:16 AM

Raphael~
This is taking the Senryu to the dark max~
EXCELLENT !
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram
noles1@totcon.com

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

7 posted 2003-10-20 11:30 AM

scary perfect., you are a master of short poems.
"...
Emily
said Bob
Dylan said
to Mick Jagger

'I
could've written
Satisfaction but you
could never have written
Tambourine Man'"
Robert Grenier

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

8 posted 2003-10-20 11:43 AM

Thanks everyone and Ron, thanks it did sound awkward upon re-reading

..and then one day you find..ten years have got behind you..no one told you when to run..you missed the starting gun..

angelblueyes
Member Elite

since 2003-07-19

Posts 2148
Oklahoma

9 posted 2003-10-20 12:16 PM

You are the master of this dark.Powerful all the way.

Crystal

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2003-10-20 12:34 PM

owie

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

11 posted 2003-10-20 12:39 PM

I liked it alot

Wind

Member Elite

since 2002-10-12

Posts 2981

12 posted 2003-10-20 03:39 PM

shivers....

I've got the shivers....

I miss the shivers...

I'm talking nonsense.

yeah..well...pphhlt

What about China? Have you seen the Great Wall?
All walls are great, if the roof doesn't fall.
-yorke/bjork

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

13 posted 2003-10-20 04:21 PM

enjoyed

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

14 posted 2003-10-20 04:53 PM

Hey you...been awhile

Simply to say - isn't minimalism just fantastic? Isn't it fun?

I like...

K

Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

15 posted 2003-10-20 05:12 PM

Damn...DAMN...damN

Jason

mytuesdaywishes
Member

since 2003-09-05

Posts 254
a voice from the musicbox

16 posted 2003-10-20 07:02 PM

man...short and sweet, no short and bitter....you definetely get the point across, but it's your word choice that makes me want to read it again (as usual)

i think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will gain a new perspective.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

17 posted 2003-10-20 07:35 PM

Raph, you can make Dark...brilliantly lit.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

18 posted 2003-10-20 11:14 PM

thanks again everybody and always nice to see Severn back on these pages

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

19 posted 2003-10-21 08:12 AM

Hi Raph, wish I could pack so much into such few words, I always seem to waste so many of them... brilliant as usual!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

20 posted 2003-10-21 09:14 AM

Yes Raph . . I would think there would be no choices left then . . .
making me think wayy too early
xxoo

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