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Beware the Metronome
| Open Poetry #29 |
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Beware the Metronome |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
(This is written by a wanna be composer who needs a little help from the metronome to jot down the right rhythms. Also could use some help here. Add punctuation or not?) Beware the Metronome Rhythm's beat constantly pounding Sounding regardless of melody sublime. Harmonic efforts awkwardly squeezed Create dissonance of sound and rhyme. Compacted time surrounds aesthetics Stealing their times tune beauty. No decrescendos or retards Pendulum's unrelenting duty. Their missed occasions squeezed out Unable to fill segmented time. When will it stop, when will it cease So that melody and word form rhyme? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sadelite, are you the wanna be composer? Because if you posted this for someone else, it will have to be removed, as our guidelines are that we do not allow anyone else to post another's work for copyright reasons. |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
Yep, I'm the wanna be composer. Sadelite |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
GREAT! Most of your lines had a metronome tick - even I heard it as I went through it, but there were a few lines lacking that constant beat. I'm not the master by far on meter, but Ms. Vicky [vlraynes] and Master Balladeer are two of our highly sought-after poets when it comes to meter and rhyme, so I'm sending this back up again in hopes to flag their attention! |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
Thanks for your help. I've debated whether or not to keep a constant beat, in fear of losing the message through its rhythm. Sometimes I tried to put hard sounds in to show awkwardness. Thank you for your comments and mentioning others who could advise me on this. I know it's not exactly a romantic or pleasing poem, but I think its the best I've written. I'd love to improve upon it. Sadelite |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, if you are looking for rhythm in the poem, there are two ingredient you must have..syllable counts and meter. As a rule, rhyming lines should have the same amount of syllables. Non-rhyming lines are not as strict but need to be consistant. Your syllable counts in this piece, per stanza, are: 8-11-9-9 9-7-8-9 7-9-8-9 As you can see, there is little similarity between the lines, which will cause it to be very choppy when read. Then you have the accents, which are much more difficult, accents meaning which syllables receive the emphasis. Rhyming lines should have the same form, or syllable accents. You have: SOUNding reGARDless of MELoDY subLIME CreATE DISoNANCE of SOUND and RHYME or, written as sharps and flats.. /--/--/-/-/ -//-/-/-/ As you can see, no similarity there. Kit McCallum wrote a brilliant poem regarding the different forms of meter. You may want to check it out /pip/Forum22/HTML/000518.html So, if your intention is to write this in good rhythm, it will need a bit of work. If you are writing it to make it intentionally awkward as a parody on rhyme and meter then a part of it needs to be written in good form to make the deviations more glaring. Good luck to you!!!! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Beaming up at the Balladeer... (he's an excellent teacher, Sadelite!) because yep, he's the one I pestered about MY meter. Of course, I still annoy him by not taking his advice completely but "Brat" is written in my job description.  Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner, but I didn't forget. I've never actually used a metronome to write with, but I do have a habit of singing some of my more "chant-like" poems as I write them. I don't understand a thing about "stresses", (except the hormonal kind) but I do know you've got the best advice right up there.  Enjoyed the poem and I do look forward to reading more from you. Hugs. |
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angelblueyes Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2148Oklahoma |
I'm not good at the variations of writing, but if you'll listne to the greats here, you'll find what you're looking for. Crystal |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
Sunshine, Glad you could hear the tick! Thanks for writing again. I appreciate all the help i can get! I always enjoy your thinking. Thanks for your help. Sadelite Balladeer, I feel honored to be in the presence of the Big Cheese himself. You are certainly a master. Thanks for taking your time to throw out some pointers. If you don't mind reading this again sometime, I'll rewrite it with your suggestions. When I wrote it the first time, it had more of a flow to it, but a friend heard a metronome beat at places and suggested I change it. I liked that idea, but it lost something. I think your idea of constrasts might just work. I'll try it both ways and repost. I'm very slow, so don't hold your breath! Thanks again. I like a challenge. It sounds like a have some. Thanks! Sadelite Serenity Blaze, I agree. He must be an excellent teacher. He just handed me the toothpicks to prop open my eyes! I have a feeling he's going to keep me busy with just those pointers! Thanks Your optimistic note was greatly appreciated. P.S. I always check out your poetry. It is very nicely written. The thoughts are vivid. Sadelite Angel BlueEyes, Thanks for your vote of confidence. I need all the push I can--I'm not good at verbal words, they freak me out. That's just the reason I begun doing the poetry thing. Words are one hang-up I'm going to overcome thanks to all the supportive people I'm surrounded by. Thanks again for your thoughts. Incidently, I always stop in to read your writings when I'm here too. I enjoy your writes. Sadelite |
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EvocativeVerse2 Senior Member
since 2003-09-10
Posts 1279 |
Excellent concept Sadelite. The meter needs a little work...but can easily be improved upon. When I write myself I am always aware of the count in each line. I use a rhyming dictionary to help sometimes...and my Thesaurus is always ready for use. You've really got something quite lovely here...keep at it...this one is worth the effort. Remember, if you're not part of the future, you're history! |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I"m no teacher, and probably no help to you here...all I can say is I liked this poem... |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
"syllable counts and meter"??? what??? You mean I have to stop and think while writing?? Oh...I am in serious trouble. Sad~I loved it and can't wait to read it again when you put the "syllable counts and meter" in it.. Susan |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
Evocative Verse 2, Thanks for your thoughtful note. Right now it doesn't seem like it's going to be easy to improve because I just keep going in circles, not knowing quite what to listen for. Balladeer gave me some ideas, but they haven't fully flowered yet!!! I'm glad you think this one is worth theeffort--Do YOU want to fix it???? (Just kidding.) Thanks again, Sadelite Passing Shadows, I'm glad you passed this way! I appreciate your note... Just hearing that someone read it and liked it is encouraging! Happy writing to you! Sadelite Susan Caldwell, I loved your comment!!! I guess then, we're both in serious trouble! (Though you're not in so much trouble because your poetry always carries such good imagery. I enjoy reading it.) Good poetry to you, Sadelite |
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