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Open Poetry #28
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Wrapped up inside
| Open Poetry #28 |
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Wrapped up inside |
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kaleanna Member
since 2003-08-18
Posts 89TX, USA |
Wrapped up inside So many times, over the years, you add layer after layer to try and hide the heart that loves and trusts so easily you don masks to hide the beauty of your true self after each hurt, you add another layer til there is barely anything left to hide and you are all wrapped up inside when the trust gets broken and the love isn't there you tend to add another layer to the many layers that are already there your beauty, your inner self so wrapped up tight inside slowly longingly you will find a few true friends you start to trust letting those friends take off a little piece of the wrapping wanting so much to let them in, yet so wary not wanting the heart broken again You wrap yourself up in fears and tears, anger and heartache not wanting to trust, fearing the risk, heart still not mended wanting no one to see the real you hiding in that shell but your true friends knows that there is a beauty hiding in there some where slowly as they stand by you through the thick and thin you start to trust, unwrapping the layers slowly they help you to lower the masks and show the beauty you have hidden deep inside unwrapping the layers of fears, and drying the tears helping the heartache to mend, helping the anger dissolve away helping you to trust again, showing you they are taking a risk that even though your heart isnt totally mended, that its ok to take a risk that you can trust and reach out to them, that you can throw away that shell and if you have to wrap up inside they show you how to wrap up with love instead of fear happiness and laughter instead of anger and tears how to wrap up in the love of friendship and trust instead of mistrust and hurting helping you to wrap up in all the loving things life has to offer so, throw away that shell, take a risk, take a chance "cause" with true friends there is no need for those masks let them see the true beauty of your inner self if you feel that you have to wrap up inside wrap up with the love and trust, that true friends offer and provide wrap up in all the loving things life has to offer Open yourself up, show your heart release yourself and show the beauty you hold deep inside. (written september 17, 2003) [This message has been edited by kaleanna (09-17-2003 11:37 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 M. Robin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
So glad you allow a critique...mine is slight... Wrapped up inside . So many times, over the yrs, you add layer after layer Spell out your words. If you're going to be correct throughout the rest of the poem, go ahead and make the change here, to years so that your poem remains professional. when the trust gets broken and the love isnt there Use proper punctuation, if you are going to abbreviate, i.e., isn't . I don't understand the use of the periods between the stanzas. cause with true friends there is no need for those masks If you are going to abbreviate "because", then use a " ' " before "cause", i.e., 'cause. This will show the reader what your intended word was, and you may be shortening it because you are aware of the meter, or count, of the line. As for the poem itself, I found it to be an enjoyable read. I hope you can use these suggestions, because for some readers, when they spot little problems like this, it becomes an immediate "turn-off" and they click out of an otherwise nice poem. |
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SharaRose Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501Somewhere out there~ |
Hi...this is so true...I have 2 people in my life that have been there all my life, and still are. They know ALL about me, and are still there. Maybe they aren't numbered in the dozens, but the ones I do have are still here after all these years, and know all things about me and still accept me with my flaws. I have one other one that I am married to, and he has been the friend above them all. He has endured things I couldn't have, and he's still here, and I always question him, and ask why do you stay and he says because that's the way I want it. I loved this. Accepting without conditions, to me, is mirror of what God is. He accepts with all the flaws, and the darkness. Wonderful write, and thanks you so very much for sharing.  SharaRose @-->-- Of sound, and speech let all lift the hearer! |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
so, throw away that shell, take a risk, take a chance cause with true friends there is no need for those masks let them see the true beauty of your inner self . if you feel that you have to wrap up inside wrap up with the love and trust, that true friends offer and provide . wrap up in all the loving things life has to offer Open yourself up, show your heart release yourself and show the beauty you hold deep inside. Kaleanne, I really love this ending to your poem. It reminds me of myself. I would have been in a shell inside myself if I hadn't allowed myself to become such good friends with my Gary. Over the almost six years that I've known him, he has lovingly helped me to trust again, with his love and understanding and patience...and unconditional love. He is still my best friend even though we are now so deeply in love with each other. I guess you can tell that I really liked this.  Hugs Ethel [This message has been edited by garysgirl (09-17-2003 11:42 AM).] |
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