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MoniDaPoet
Member

since 2003-08-14

Posts 73
California, USA

0 posted 2003-08-21 12:43 PM

Rattlesnake

Call me rattlesnake
For I slither about
Trying to shed my skin of sin
Hoping to move to better ground
Although now - I wish to be an wayward crow
Flying away from dirty scenes
Being dark - but incredibly free
No good to wish for ridiculous things
Still - I am the venomous noisemaker
Make way or I shall smite you all

I have only my genius to declare!

MoniDaPoet
Member

since 2003-08-14

Posts 73
California, USA

1 posted 2003-08-30 01:31 PM

Could someone comment on this one? Thanks!

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2003-08-30 04:45 PM

Since you are allowing critiques, I have a suggestion. The poem is good, you've got great lines here. But sometimes formatting can add to the visual presentation of a poem. How would this look:

***

Rattlesnake

Call me
       rattlesnake
For
   I
     slither
            about
             Trying
            to
        shed my skin
    of sin

    Hoping to move
to better ground
       Although now -
I wish to be
       an wayward crow

Flying away
        from dirty scenes
              Being dark -
                        but incredibly free

No good to wish
          for ridiculous things
Still -
  I am
    the venomous
              noisemaker
                Make way
             or I shall
          smite
       you all

Sunnyone
Member Ascendant

since 2000-07-06

Posts 5334
Staffordshire, England

3 posted 2003-08-31 03:43 AM

Wow...after living in snake country areas, this one is alive!!! Loved the poetry, and also enjoyed PdV's formatting...~S~

Accept these small gifts from my gypsy heart ~~S~~

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

4 posted 2003-08-31 05:04 AM

I enjoyed this too there are some terrific lines as well... and I have to agree with Poet deVine's suggestion for format. Catches the eye.

Enjoyed.

fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

(Ani DiFranco)

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

5 posted 2003-08-31 11:45 AM

I like deVine's idea -- that kind or presentation can add a lot (or subtract, if you're not careful!), and if you experiment with it I bet you'll like the result.

This poem's so solid I hesitate to suggest changes in the way it's written, but if I were editing, I'd think about the words "for" and "although" as possibly being extraneous -- they stopped my eye, though that might just be my mood this morning. Also I think you should consider the word "all" ... the poem works well with it, and would also work without it -- with a completely different tone. You can leave it general and malicious, or focus it directly on the reader. Nice to have choices like that....

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