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paleskingirl
New Member

since 2003-07-28

Posts 6

0 posted 2003-07-28 12:26 PM

the same graceful mistake that has me drowning in sands of strength holds me sharp near your silent breath we've laughed away hate and found solace in detached fear your polite tongue sings backward melodies inside my fragile thigh my idea of games tumbling around in your cold grin scribbles forevers on an oak in lunar times here in your lost hair we move behind the crowd and gather food in the face of empty jurisdictions can you finally hear what keeps me so impressed with the sweet hollowness of your face and the wonder of your knowledge that i swim inside when surrounded by shallow water

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

1 posted 2003-07-28 12:46 PM

Welcome to Passions! I hope to see more from you!

~Elizabeth

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2003-07-28 01:33 PM

Welcome to Passions, PSG...I do believe you're going to enjoy it here.

Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

3 posted 2003-07-28 02:00 PM

Welcome to Passions,
You turn a nice phrase,
Unfortunately it’s hooked into the next,
And the next,
And is just one run on sentence.
Perhaps you are new to poetry,
But you could not speak this out loud
And it is difficult to read in this form.
Poetry needs to flow.
Try a line break or two
And for added impact use punctuation.
I would like to see this rewritten
Because
It show promise.

Gloom
I’m not known for my sugar coating,
sorry if I offended.

Poe_Pot_Pie
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 107
Canada

4 posted 2003-07-28 02:07 PM

I like it. I enjoy reading the paragraph. I haven't seen poetry like this before but I quite enjoyed it. Keep writing and a warm welcome to passions!!

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

5 posted 2003-07-28 05:36 PM

Wow, I think this is fantastic, I love the phrases you used and the imagery is terrific.

Welcome to passions, I'll definately be looking out for more from you

fate is not just
whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

(Ani DiFranco)

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

6 posted 2003-07-28 11:19 PM

In response to Professor Gloom:

Actually, this style is true poetry. It is usually refered to as prose poetry.

To the Poet:
Excellent write. I look forward to reading more.

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