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Open Poetry #27

Theatre Of Emotions

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

0 posted 2003-07-27 04:53 PM

Save your crying for the after show,
I'll leave you; your bold tears aglow,
What am I to do?
Obviously neither of us knows.
This isn’t role-play honey so don’t pretend,
Or have you all along, up into the end?
Acting isn’t your skill, so don’t “act" like you care,
Oh, you just figured it out? Life’s not fair.
Need a stuntman honey? Can't you take the pain?
Or is it that you can’t stand, being left in the rain?
Well, the stage is looking empty under the moon,
In your theatre of emotions, please come back soon.

By: Janna Shaffer
Age: 15

[This message has been edited by jaysh (07-29-2003 11:05 PM).]

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

1 posted 2003-07-27 06:34 PM

oops, i have some grammer errors, lol eventually i'll fix them

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

2 posted 2003-07-27 07:05 PM

Nice writing...James

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

3 posted 2003-07-29 12:11 PM

Very emotive, it is a little rough but it has great potential.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

brezee
Member

since 2003-06-02

Posts 140

4 posted 2003-07-29 12:23 PM

indeed another good one "J" keep up the good work...~*~*brezee*~*~

ecrivan
Member Elite

since 2001-12-10

Posts 3923
my own state

5 posted 2003-07-29 01:37 AM

Keep up the good work yes, one tip for young poets is that when you have an article on one line in a noun phrase, like "in the pain" the succeeding line should replicate that as "in the rain"..it's a question of form as well as meter I'm trying to say...this will help you smooth things out

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

6 posted 2003-07-29 01:54 AM

Thank you ecrivan, i plan on editing this sometime, and I will remember that.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2003-07-29 03:59 AM

good for a rough draft...liked it

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

8 posted 2003-08-07 03:25 AM

yay I have fixed it its no longer a rough draft!

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