Chewing Mindbone (RP/rearrangement)

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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

0 posted 2003-07-24 12:40 PM

a whimper, a whine
one more half hearted scratch
upon your door

maybe ..
just maybe
you'll let me in

rolled paper lessons
guilt bowl drinks
tale chase vertigo

layers I've grown
never enough
to stave off
the profound chill
of silence and neglect

my gift for obedience?

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

1 posted 2003-07-24 12:41 PM

layers I've grown
never enough
to stave off
the profound chill
of silence and neglect

Not even the heaviest coverings protect against that frost. Powerful write... grips the heart.

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

2 posted 2003-07-24 12:43 PM

its a ruf question raf.....hard choices, hard repercusions, never knowing which road to take some days.....does this make sense?

gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

3 posted 2003-07-24 12:59 PM

rolled paper lessons
guilt bowl drinks
tale chase vertigo

kinda trippy. the punishment never stops, I prefer being hit with the rolled up paper myself. bite meee!

tis true, you'll have to beg like dog to get what you want in this world, and most the time, that don't work either.

stunning and truthful write rapahel.

Instant karma's gonna get you.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

4 posted 2003-07-24 01:26 PM

Thanks you suthern and no nothing can

thanks Mish

Exactly Gem, i feel like a pet(besides looking like one) what does it take, i'm tired of asking. Just stumbled over this last night thought I rp

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

5 posted 2003-07-24 02:42 PM

related with it the first time
nice to bring it back
silence and neglect - not very nice gifts for being good now are they?
I like your px Raph
glad you posted it
xxoo

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

6 posted 2003-07-24 09:38 PM

Know what?  I like your title, very much.  I also like the first part of the poem, the idea of it is neat, even if the way the succeeding stanza is phrased seems a bit cliche.  The very opening makes it seem like something out of a campfire story.  You, the not only unwanted, but mysteriously feared.

Now I'm not blind nor am I a stupid reader.  I see the main symbol of the poem, the neglected dog of some higher all-commanding and relatively omnipotent being.  Your choice of words in the first half nevertheless impresses me with its cleverness.

The later few are equally intriguing and while they serve mostly to complete the metaphor, they make important specifications that help the reader to interpret.  As for its meaning?  I'll talk to you later, won't I?

See, old man?  I'm not so picky after all.  Nicely written.

Parasite

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
~~~Emily Dickinson

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

7 posted 2003-07-24 10:42 PM

Thanks Sue no not the gifts i'm looking for

Thanks Kid, I admit I've never been completely comfortably with the middle, too forced but I also admit I'm also too lazy to edit or rework it yet

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