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Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

0 posted 2003-07-15 07:05 PM

Remember
when you were in
college?

and I asked for your
T-shirt
so when you drove
back to school

I could go to sleep
smelling
the lingering
essence

of you

and now 13 years
later
we grasp for
beginnings
and hope that
tommorrow
we rediscover

each other

[This message has been edited by Jason Lyle (07-16-2003 08:23 AM).]

QjQ
Member Elite

since 2003-04-18

Posts 3756
U.S.A.

1 posted 2003-07-15 07:32 PM

nice memorys,,,

A voice of honesty
   is treasured
more than voices
   of flattery
      QjQ

Old_Shoe_New_Laces
Junior Member

since 2003-06-16

Posts 31

2 posted 2003-07-15 08:13 PM

You have a very pleasant simplistic style.  I like to read work of this nature.  Work that does not try too hard to be poetry, yet succeeds at being more than many poems that appear to be trying so hard.  This reminds me of a piece I wrote months ago.  I may post it now cause I think it nearly parallels in some manner.

I don't feel the last line is necessary.  I do however understand the desire of wanting to return to the thought of the t-shirt, but I feel there may be another way to do that.  I do not know how you would go about it personally, it being your poem, but I feel it could be pulled out better.  Something for you to figure out.

Perhaps if you just remove the last line all together and maybe change the ending to something like "each other" rather then "our love". I am not saying "our love" is a bad way to phrase it really, but I am just a skeptic when I see "love" used in a poem.  It can work either way, but I do believe the ending as it is now could be a lot stronger. (the "in that t-shirt?")  I would rather have it say something then just ask something.  That threw it off for me.  State something, be a bit more bold in the ending.  It was heading in that direction until the last line.

Questions can be used in poetry effectively in a poem, as your first bit did... but I feel they can also weaken poetry.  Do you think the question mark on line 3 really necessary? I am unsure of it is myself... part of me says it is fine and quite trite to pick over such a thing, another part of me says it is unnecessary, and yet another says it might just work.  I was just curious as to what you thought, being the author.

I may just be picky, but you said in your profile that you welcomed critique and in all my visits here I have never seen any critique in their comments.  I think that is why I may be leaving this site shortly.  It just doesn't seem real to me.  The atmosphere that is.  It seems more like a lot of people rubbing each other the right way to get rubbed themselves.  I find that upsetting.  Pardon my ranting in my comment to your poem.  Not intentional.  Just reminded myself of these thoughts when I started to critique this.

Overall though, I really did enjoy this poem.  It was a pleasant read... not overbearing and a richness in simplicity.  Best wishes for your poetic endeavors and future writes and re-writes.  Ciao

[This message has been edited by Old_Shoe_New_Laces (07-15-2003 08:15 PM).]

Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

3 posted 2003-07-15 11:15 PM

You gave some good advice, and I took some it and made a few changes.Stick around and give the site a chance.

Jason

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

4 posted 2003-07-16 12:00 PM

Jason - I am sure it was fine as it was
but this is amazing still

I do remember these things and I am hoping you find your way back - the both of you - I do know how tough that is . . .

Jason - good luck with tomorrow
xxoo

[This message has been edited by littlewing (07-16-2003 12:28 AM).]

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

5 posted 2003-07-16 01:34 AM

Jason, I really like this poem. I think it was written from your heart. That is what makes a good poem to me...the feeling that's put into it is what makes it come alive.

Hugs

Ethel

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

6 posted 2003-07-16 01:45 AM

wow...Jason I love this

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