navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #26 » hideaway
Open Poetry #26
Post A Reply Post New Topic hideaway Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095


0 posted 2003-04-23 12:11 PM


hideaway


we smiled at our familiar
so sure of ourselves
sitting in early summer
face to face around a
wobbly glass-frosted table top

we found comfort in cigarettes

she knew I always had
to have one when with her
I knew she’d join me

and through puffs of wanting

I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes
they tumbled over and around in
fickle chatter parting syllables

onto my lap

aimlessly burning it
while my legs held onto the air

storming me


Angel of Darkkness
23rd April 2003

© Copyright 2003 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
1 posted 2003-04-23 12:15 PM


Maree

"I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes
they tumbled over and around in
fickle chatter parting syllables"

Lovely sound to this...and the emotional pull so real, and through the quiet of it, so beautifully done.  

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

2 posted 2003-04-23 12:17 PM


Thank you Martie....love you!

Maree

[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (04-23-2003 12:17 AM).]

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
3 posted 2003-04-23 12:17 PM


and through puffs of wanting

I sat in secret sipping sin

I liked those lines alot, and the storming within.

Nice lightening show you've created here Ms. Maree~



Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

4 posted 2003-04-23 12:38 PM


and through puffs of wanting

I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes
they tumbled over and around in
fickle chatter parting syllables

onto my lap

aimlessly burning it
while my legs held onto the air

storming me


===============================

I love the abstract originality of your poetry...and the personification and the intensity of this Maree...
you make me wanna have a cig and I dont even smoke
very cool write girlie!!

You're the best I've ever felt ...
it's so wrong not to be with you.
It's getting harder to stay away,
it stops my heart just to be with you.

SH

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
5 posted 2003-04-23 05:11 AM


we found comfort in cigarettes
..
and through puffs of wanting
..
I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes
they tumbled over and around in
fickle chatter parting syllables
..
onto my lap
..
aimlessly burning it
while my legs held onto the air
..
storming me
--------------

loved this one loads... glad to have come across this one, Maree...

regards
sudhir

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
6 posted 2003-04-23 06:31 AM


I am not sure if this is a weave,
or a knit...
but it's warm, and comfortable,

and mine!  

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
7 posted 2003-04-23 12:26 PM


Beautiful piece of writing Maree. Extremely sensual, there's a want or longing in these words that pulls the reader in with you.

PS Love the new pic! Nice to see the dark one smile

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
8 posted 2003-04-23 12:30 PM


DarkAngel~

'we smiled at our familiar'

I LOVE this line !!!
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

9 posted 2003-04-23 01:04 PM


I began to pick the lines I enjoyed the most and realized..it was every one of them... for they lean on one another as if stacked in care to support the whole..


this... this is an exceptional piece...


passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
10 posted 2003-04-23 01:23 PM


a great write...gave me a mood, a feeling, and I like when poetry does that
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

11 posted 2003-04-23 06:55 PM


Ms Blues thank you so much, glad you liked the show

Janet Marie..thank you so very much glad you enjoyed, now don't go picking up any cigs ok.

Hi Sudi, always lovely to see you reply.. I thank you so very much.

Sunshinygirl, so glad to keep yo warm m'dear.. thank you so very much

Raph, nice to know that this piece pulled you in with me Thank you for your lovely reply and liking my pic.

Marge.. thank you so much for your always lovely comments.

Cpat, I am humbled by your reply.. thank you so much.

Passing Shadows... I like it when my poetry does that too Thank you so very much.


Brad Majors
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-04-03
Posts 2647
Georgia
12 posted 2003-04-24 11:28 AM


This is brilliant!
KristieSue
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460
PA, US
13 posted 2003-04-24 11:36 AM


Excellent writing when you can make me want a cigarette with your words...

great job!

Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS

Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
14 posted 2003-04-24 11:49 AM


Dark Angel - I like this writing, as it says a lot to me when I read it. Nice...

BC

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
15 posted 2003-04-24 11:49 AM


Maree:

I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes

love this line - amazing writing here

(nice picture too)
xxoo

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

16 posted 2003-04-24 05:24 PM


Noticing another shift in style from you in the last few poems I've read...

You're running words together, leaving images slightly undone - as in the first line.

Those are tricky techniques really dear, and it's a sign of your growth as a poet that they work very well...

I think you should applaud yourself on this one..

huggles soul-sis

K

wranx
Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn
17 posted 2003-04-24 05:51 PM


This is the kind of thing that (annoys)me off, no end.

I grow impatient, waiting to find this level of wordcraft.

Oh! and the substance ain't half bad either.

Ed

[This message has been edited by wranx (04-24-2003 05:52 PM).]

Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
18 posted 2003-04-24 06:02 PM


Bravo! You stacked the words together just so - and left a haunting image behind.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
19 posted 2003-04-25 10:20 AM


I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes

Stunning lines in a superb whole... I liked this very much. *S*

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

20 posted 2003-04-25 06:25 PM


Brad? thank you so much for the "brilliant" I'm humbled.

Krisite Sue.. thank you so very much and for popping in.

Bill...thank you so much for your lovely reply.

littlewing...I thank you for the "amazing"

Soul-sis....SB....thank you much m'love couldn't have done of it without you.

Wranx.. you pay me a wonderful compliment.. thank you so much

Hey Lynne, thank you muchly for the "Bravo" and for being here

Sutherngal.. I thank you for your lovely reply and for stopping by.

Again thank you all for taking the time to read lil ole me... much appreciated.

A. L. Becker
Member
since 2002-09-06
Posts 167
San Francisco, California
21 posted 2003-05-10 10:44 PM


That was really reheheheally good!

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
22 posted 2003-05-11 03:16 AM


Enjoyed..James
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
23 posted 2003-05-11 04:02 AM


glad this one came back up
JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
24 posted 2003-05-16 02:45 AM


Well done!

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
Nil Desperandum, Fata viem invenient

Ratleader
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass
25 posted 2003-05-16 09:36 AM


and through puffs of wanting

I sat in secret sipping sin
lapping up the lapis in her eyes

This kind of emotional overlay....point and counterpoint within the poem as two separate lines of thought and imagery merged into one. I tried something like this one time and liked the result, though it wasn't nearly as starkly effective as this.

I think I just got a writing assignment -- glad I stopped to look you over....

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Ceinwyn
Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175
VA
26 posted 2003-05-16 09:51 AM


I'm just in awe in general this is one of those poems that you want to read over and over again...thats my way of saying I enjoyed it

If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
27 posted 2003-05-16 09:57 AM


Maree, you have a very beautiful face and an engaging smile--and you can write, woman!

Warm hugs,
Linda

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
28 posted 2003-05-16 10:39 PM


I really hate to use the word 'captivating', but this really is Mmy dear.

You were however a naughty little babyroo for not sending me a note to look for something new from you  

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
29 posted 2003-05-17 04:39 PM




(sigh) Oh Maree, I love this, sweet friend, you always pull us in with your wonderful surreality and expressions that seem to captivate the moment for real! (kiss on cheek) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Maree, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story

***Shakira***

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
30 posted 2003-05-17 08:15 PM


Nice metaphorical write, DA - Your imagery is exceptional...
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

31 posted 2003-05-17 09:39 PM


A.L Becker, JamesMichael, passing shadows,JP,
Ratleader, Ceinwyn, Earth Angel, Mistletoe Angel, Nan and Jamie.....

Thank you so very much for stopping by, for your lovely replies and compliments. I do so very much appreciate it.

er Jamie...where have you been? you little poohbear. Thought you left town.

Maree

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
32 posted 2003-05-19 05:37 PM


I had to come home sooner or later dear
vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
33 posted 2003-05-19 05:52 PM


nice
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #26 » hideaway

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary