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Open Poetry #26
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Broken
Member
since 2000-03-12
Posts 271
The woods

0 posted 2003-06-10 05:59 PM



UNFAITHFULNESS IS A SHARP EDGED KNIFE

I know, babe, I know
It's been a long long time
It sure hurts to meet you
And it's sad to see you cry

It's sad to hear you love me still
But your sorries are still no good
Your act were unforgivable
And so are you

It's not that I don't want to
It's not that I don't try
But every time I look at you
I'm seeing you and him

© Copyright 2003 Jay Hartson - All Rights Reserved
Selina
Member
since 2003-06-07
Posts 62
Philadelphia, PA, USA
1 posted 2003-06-10 06:03 PM


Wow, Broken, what amazing words.  You "hit the nail on the head" with that one.

"If it's true you never loved me, there's no deception as you cry..." --SDaws

icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows
2 posted 2003-06-11 12:19 PM


"It's sad to hear you love me still
But your sorries are still no good
Your act were unforgivable
And so are you

It's not that I don't want to
It's not that I don't try
But every time I look at you
I'm seeing you and him"


You had a rhyme set established in the rhythm of the words, then it broke.

With all due respect, try this:

It's sad to hear you love me still,
but your apology's no good.
Your acts were unforgivable,
you wouldn't mean it if you could.

It's not that I don't want to,
it's not that I don't try,
but every time I look at you
I see him in your eyes.


Your thoughts are clear and strong.  It is a good poem, thank you for sharing it.

Foxyoasis
Senior Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla
3 posted 2003-06-11 01:58 AM


good write
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
4 posted 2003-06-11 02:01 AM


yes, just exactly right!
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