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Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

0 posted 2003-06-08 05:59 PM

I write down the words on passion blue
crumbled paper..
My hands drip crimson,
my mind burns crushed in a wicked hue..
I have no time to stop and dream of you.
To scream against influences,
your poetry creates a dirty chorus that rings untrue.

Blatent hate, my body shakes.
A broken vein, and a tear to show my pain..
I wander inside of you to find life.
Swimming between each side of a broken heart that only
one who destroys, knows how to mend..

Waves crash between you and I..
like when fire and ocean water collide.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

1 posted 2003-06-08 06:10 PM

Nice writing...James

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

2 posted 2003-06-08 06:11 PM

Oh my, this sounds like an ocean of trouble between you and whoever misunderstands.
Maybe just give them a moment to review?
Peaceful thoughts to you.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

3 posted 2003-06-08 06:33 PM

I am glad it isn't me...wheww! Lots of
intense emotions expressed....

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

4 posted 2003-06-09 01:21 AM

this is cool except for the last line. the analogy goes against at least my initial reaction to fire and water meeting.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

5 posted 2003-06-09 02:12 AM

Well, I have quite a bit to work on as far as my writing goes. I think I've said this before, but I have a hard time when I get to the last line.. Or, following up a good line. What's worse is that sometimes I wish I could end the poem AT the good line, but then it'd seem incomplete. Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me?

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

6 posted 2003-06-09 04:40 AM

definitely interesting, i can see the last line, it's okay to me...fire and water, two elements that cannot exist with each other...yeah, I can see that

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