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Open Poetry #26
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Vivid Dreams (prt 2)
| Open Poetry #26 |
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Vivid Dreams (prt 2) |
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Drummerboy06 Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46Indiana |
A cool, gentle breeze slowly glides through the air powered by your breath, and made of the wind trailing behind you so desperately trying to follow as you walk about the halls. I smell your sweet aroma as its carried by this wind disguised as the lovely and relaxing scent of the waters. Your voice gives the waves life as they come to rest upon the shore, so soothing and comforting to all who hear it. In the distant waters of the sea, something else can be found: your grace and wit in the presence of a dolphin, its magnificence unharmed by the impurities all around. All this, yet you are still not to be found when I awake, only in dreams where all things are possible. The world is slipping from my grasp, the images growing dim and my false eyes open once again, to see reality. For it is only with the heart that one can see correctly and what is essential to the soul, is invisible to the eye. And the mind can be fooled with trickery, betraying you to lies but the heart will give you solely truth, revealing pure desire. And dreams are longings of the heart, so could my thoughts be true? Is it possible I’m in love?That I’ve fallen hopelessly for you? I think about these things, and then about the dream, attempting to make some sense of what my heart had said. Then it swiftly comes to me:the beach, the sky, the deep blue sea I realize that you’re the world to me, the unknown truth revealed. the last stanza is still a bit iffy.if you have any suggestions on improving it, be sure to let me know.oh, if you havent read prt 1, you better do so or else youll be completely lost. Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. - Robert F |
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| © Copyright 2003 David Learned - All Rights Reserved | |||
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
Alrighty then. I can honestly say that I find nothing wrong with the last stanza or the poem itself. I thought it was lovely. No sugar-coating at all. If I ever found myself sugar-coating anything I would purge my own words and bite the dust. But anyway, back to your lovely poem. I loved it. Plain and simple. Hope to read more of your romantic poetry. Junior Member, yv |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
You have a wonderful gift! I thoroughly enjoyed your descriptive writing and the moods created. May your beautiful dreams be reflected in reality, EA |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"For it is only with the heart that one can see correctly and what is essential to the soul, is invisible to the eye." One of my favorite quotes here, and I did indeed not read part I, so I'll save my reply until I have done that. But even if I'm lost, I find this very impressive. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Okay, I'm back, and actually I didn't get as lost as I presumed. You have a lovely graceful eloquence with the language my friend. And even tho I read them backwards, I found I had no problem, as each stanza stands alone quite naturally of their own accord and yet you maintain the flow throughout. Well worth the little jog around the forum. I hope I'll get to enjoy more of your work. (and I'm a little gun shy about strong critique right now--I don't feel I know enough about poetry to give a proper perspective, and? sigh. I tend to hurt people's feelings without trying, so, if ya can stand it, I'll just leave ya with a pat on the back.) Thanks for sharing this with us. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
yeah...what Serenity said |
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Kahlil Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881 |
You have fallen hopelessly in love! And what a beautiful description of it, I like your style, and that that line is perfect, in my opinion.... |
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Kahlil Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881 |
...obviously I hadn't had enough wake-up tea yet....I meant that last line....! haha |
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Drummerboy06 Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46Indiana |
yv - thank you for the read and reply, glad you enjoyed it. yeah, if i ever caught myself suger-coating anyhting, i would have to slap myself.....really hard. well, you might get to see another quite soon for i have a great start in my mind for a new piece, now i have to get it on paper, lol. EarthAngel - i appreciate your comments, especially the ones that you made on prt 1. thanks for reading. Serenity - i quoted those line from Antoine de Saint-Exupery, i just modified it a little bit. well, thank you for the compliments. and no, i cant stand a pat on the back - the only way you will 'hurt my feelings' is by doing this. if you take the time to tear my poem apart and tell exactly what i did wrong in the spots that are off and just critique this thing to death, there is no possible way you will hurt me cuz this shows how much you want to help me and that you actually took the time to read it thoroughly and to understand it to its fullest extent, and i really apprecitae that. and please, dont give me that "im not experienced enough" line, i have been writing for a little over 4 MONTHS now, and im sure you have more writing time than i do. i have written about 10 or so poems and i am positive that you have written many more, so chances are, your 'persepective' will be better than mine. so a lack of experience is not an excuse.   Kahlil - no, now that i think about it, it was probably just lust. cuz now that im out of school, i have almost forgotten completely about her since im not around her all the time like before. the style that i used in this poem is one that i rarely use (if you are talking about free form, i almost always rhyme). and from the sounds of it, you still need more wake-up coffee cuz you still have that line wrong LOL. i think you mean "that last stanza is perfect," not line? |
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AniKay83 Member
since 2000-06-28
Posts 388Missing Since 1999 |
================================ and what is essential to the soul, is invisible to the eye ================================ so true, so true. Again, I'm shocked by your age, but also delighted. Expression(in my opinion) only gets better with age. So in 5 years I'm sure you'll be completly blowing my mind, as I am so taken with your words right now... www.heybroproductions.com |
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Kahlil Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881 |
yeah, you're right....ok, bring on the caffeine.... |
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