......LyRiCs...DeScRiBe...My..SpIrIt...... ( a little feedback please)

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GhostWriter_6
Member

since 2001-09-03

Posts 237
??Amityville??

0 posted 2003-05-13 10:51 AM

......LyRiCs...DeScRiBe...My..SpIrIt......

i may stumble on stones thrown by opponents and loose focus
simple things wrote by people purposely to provoke & demote
opposition and competition, render my intuition
to replay & recreate a lack luster rendition
fueled by people with injured egoes and feelings
anger and rage that raises ceilings
smiles erased..replaced by expressions less appealing
i depict motion pictures
and write about my crazy life in poetic litterature
to place a verbal frame on the bigger picture
i pour my heart out from the pitcher
till it overflows the cup and no more emotions can enter
wood creates splinters stuck deep beneath the surface
not to hurt.. just to remind me of there purpose
that pain is often accepted as worthless
i hang in the balance on scales tipped against my favor
my mouth tastes defeats bitter flavor
sucess i could savor, and admire the spotlight,
but i havent the courage to stand up and approach at least one mic
my sight is corrupted by cataracs and stigmatism,
my lyricism is subdued by the nations harsh criticism
a warm blooded human with a cold heart within,
warmed many times by the encouraging words of friends
i pretend that some words dont offend,
but its not true words can be absorbed.. i have not rubber skin
i shine but dull like tarnished jewelry
and i create heat thru my fatal fury
a hung jury is the outcome when thoughts get confusing
no sentence delivered thru the words im using
i sit alone sometimes and compose rhymes
about things that have happended 3 or 4 times
but written with different lines every time
you see me but cant see the hurt and endured pain and past problems confronted
sometimes i think i write these words for nothin
cause lyrics with no faces often dont go places
thought like that make my pencil erase traces of written places

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2003-05-13 11:01 AM

talk about ghosts! where have you been hiding?
I'll return to the post now and read.

*************************************************
wood creates splinters stuck deep beneath the surface
not to hurt.. just to remind me of there purpose
that pain is often accepted as worthless
i hang in the balance on scales tipped against my favor
***************************************************
You have so many intense images in this piece, but this one really stuck out like a sore thumb (pun intended)
I enjoyed the read, even though I felt much pain within. I'm going to keep this and come back again later, as I have many thoughts on what you've written, past and present. Peaceful day to you, friend. Glad to see you back in here, sharing straight from your heart.

Kacy

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (05-13-2003 11:09 AM).]

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2003-05-13 11:07 AM

ok....feedback. oh boy....

I see intellect and confusion in this piece. I read this and the feelings come through loud and clear but, the problem I have with it is in the construction and the language used...though it could be done purposefully. The improper use of words confuses my understanding.

simple things wrote by people purposely to provoke & demote

wrote is improper

not to hurt.. just to remind me of there purpose

there... does not mean them but rather means another place...not here but there.

but its not true words can be absorbed.. i have not rubber skin

punctuation is needed in this line to let the reader know that the line before is what is not true.

thought like that make my pencil erase traces of written places

This last line needs some work as well. I understand what you are trying to say here but the way it is written now makes the reader trip over the english and miss the meaning.

I hope I have helped. I really did like this piece though it is not the style with with I write.

Marilyn

GhostWriter_6
Member

since 2001-09-03

Posts 237
??Amityville??

3 posted 2003-05-13 11:12 AM

no doubt.. constructive crticism..... well taken and noted... thanx for the replies... didnt think eanyon would rememebr me from here.... im bacccccckkkkkkkkkkkk

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-05-13 11:13 AM

What? Not remember you? About time you got home! What's with this staying out so long? Don't you know I worry?

As for feedback...I'm not going to give you any until you spellcheck! LOL...you know how I need that done! Because I know how intent you are on doing it RIGHT...so give me that spellcheck, and I'll come back with some input. OK? OK!!

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

5 posted 2003-05-13 11:20 AM

People who love this place have long memories....lol. I have been gone a long time myself and I am hoping I am remembered as well.

GhostWriter_6
Member

since 2001-09-03

Posts 237
??Amityville??

6 posted 2003-05-15 11:46 AM

aight aight.. spell check is indeeed needed.. but hey i was in such a rush to post thi si wanted to get it out... and sunshine.. missed ya fo sho.... i knwo i used to fill up the e-mail box liek crazy... i bee away a while but i got some new stuff.. i can actually say i have grown as a writer.. thanx for the replies...

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